she's awake!!

Of course, the second I posted that last post Maycie woke up. Figures. :-) I didn't get many good pictures, as she is waaaayy too hyper to sit still for a photo op. But these ones are kind of cute, I'll work on getting some better ones over the next few days. But for now...

Meet...Maycie!

Well...we did it again. We got another puppy. I know, I know, call me crazy!! Maycie is a 10 week old pure bred yellow Labrador retriever...and so darn cute! ;-)

I've been wanting to get a "bigger" dog for some time now, as I am hoping to soon stay at my own home at night and my two little lap dogs don't make me feel very safe. :) We had planned on waiting a while and maybe getting a bigger dog breed after we have a baby who's around 18 months old. But after I got thinking about that, I realized that's a looonng way down the road, and I really don't want to continue spending the night at my family's house for the next x-amount of years. lol. It's become a bit of a headache to come over here in the evenings and then at 4 pack my stuff and go home.

We've been talking for several months now about getting a dog and eventually breeding her. (We'd both love to experiment the whole "puppy" process!) We had thought about breeding Yorkies, but we decided we didn't want a bunch of ankle biters running around in our house. So we then turned out thoughts towards Siberian Huskies (they are such beautiful and HARD to find dogs!!) We had completely decided to go down the Husky route, until I started reading about them online...and yikes!! There isn't much good about them, unless you live in the snow! Our next thought was Labradors. I started reading on them, and have yet to read one negative thing about them. We decided to get a lab.

On Sunday we went and looked at a litter of labs. They were all so cute! Because they were 10 weeks old, the lady selling them was getting nervous that they weren't going to sell. (The bigger they are...the harder they are to sell) Therefore she offered us a fantastic price. I went and picked her out yesterday. The picture I'm posting isn't a very good one--she refused to open her eyes for me and the picture makes her look HUGE! (which she really isn't!!) She's absolutely beautiful and has adorable "wings" on her back. (Perfect wing shaped white patches on her shoulders...it reminds me of Mario from Mario party, lol.)

We came up with the name Maycie, and it suits her well. :-) Supposedly labs are really easy to train...and I SURE HOPE SO!!! So far i'm not having much luck with potty training her. We hope to breed her in a few years, as long as she is physically healthy and able. Therefore, I MUST train her well!! I am very bad at training my dogs...I've got a history of B.A.D. pets, so I'm hoping I redeem myself with Maycie. I've been creating a list of tricks and basic commands I want her to learn. And I found a cool video online earlier that impressed me. (I will try to include it in this post.) Allow me to brag a little here...I have already successfully taught her to fetch and bring it back....now I've just got to get her to "drop it." LOL. And boy! Does she ever love to chew!!

Whether we breed her eventually or not, I'm really excited to have a bigger dog breed who will one day protect our house. She has a super sweet personality and really likes me, lol. Sounds prideful, I know, but she does. :) Jeff and I hope that Maycie turns out to be a really good dog. We want her to be the dog that we bring with us everywhere!! ...camping, yosemite, to the park, on walks, to the lake!! ect ect ect!!! She's a Bauman now. :)

Well, here's that video...Hopefully I get Maycie doing this stuff soon!! (BTW...the dog in the video is 10 weeks also!!! amazing!)

This is a very sleepy Maycie!!!

Not to be left out...here's Ella.

"What?!? Leave me alone...i'm trying to sleep!"

Doesn't her haircut look good?

And finally...ugly Sarah.

Believe it or not, she looks good with her new haircut also.

And I know you all love seeing pictures of Jeff and I (not!)

:-D

p.s.

I will post better pictures of the dogs when they are all awake. LOL. Right now they're all thinking "leave me alone!!"

Dogs...fish tanks...and the Zoo!

Someone recently requested that I post a blog update on life. She said that my recent quirky posts were entertaining and fun to read....but don't count as a blog update. (sigh....) fine. I have sat down to blog (about life) many many many times throughout the past few weeks. Yet every time I sit down, words evade me and I realize yet again, I have n0thing interesting to write. :-/ its like the never ending writer's block. Ugh...

I shall try to make this as interesting as possible, but forgive me if it ends up being rather dull and boring.

Also, I have tried and tried and tried to post pictures in the blog update, but something is wrong with blogger and it won't allow me to post any pictures. :( Sorry peoples...

Let's see...what have I been up to lately?

Well, not that anyone cares...but we got our dog Ella groomed!! (told you this post was going to be rather lame.) Ella is a cocker spaniel and her hair grows SO long, knotted and messy! We took her in last week and had her completely buzzed. She looks like a total different dog! (Truthfully, I like this "new" Ella much better than the old shaggy Ella.) After Ella's new look, I couldn't help but look at our other dog, Sarah, and wonder if a good grooming would also improve her looks....yeah right. (Well, honestly, anything in an improvement when it comes to Sarah....this dog is the UGLIEST dog i've ever seen.) I wasn't about to pay $50 to get Sarah groomed, so I took her into the back yard and trimmed her hair myself. Poor dog knew she was being laughed at. However, it was an improvement...sort of. (I so wish I could post pictures! This story needs a picture to do it justice!)

Hummm, what else? Lately I've been itching to go on a day trip. I really want to go to the Ocean or San Francisco for the day. For some strange reason, going to a Zoo has sounded fun this past week. Weird...I know. (Lol, I've never even been to a REAL zoo before.) Hopefully Jeff takes me somewhere soon. :)

Jeff and I have taken up a new hobby. We started a fish tank in January and LOVE IT!!! (Seriously, we spend hooouuurrrss a day sitting in front of this tank!) We got a used 45 gallon tank off of amazon at the beginning of January. Both of us admitted when we purchased it, that we doubted we would stay interested in the hobby for long....we were both so wrong. We absolutely LOVE our tank!! We actually are planning on eventually buying a larger one for our living room, and putting the 45 gallon tank in our bedroom. Right now we have 3 red tailed sharks, 1 betta shark, 1 albino tiger barb, 6 guppies, 5 neon tetras, 5 danios, 2 mystery snails and 1 zebra snail, 1 plecostomus (sp check!), 5 platties, 1 gournami, 9 gold fish and finally...our favorites...3 clown loaches. (I'm pretty sure I missed a few fish in there somewhere.) The clown loaches are our favorite fish! They are new (they became part of the Bauman fish tank as of yesterday) and they are only this long: ----------------. But they are SO fun!! They love swimming in the bubbles (we have 2 air stones in the tank to give them oxygen...and the loaches LOVE playing in them!) While the rest of the fish swim around slowly and boringly, these loaches are SO active and playful. They are incredibly fun to watch. They live for up to 30 years!!! (the average is about 24 years) and they will eventually get to be a foot long each. I am sure we won't have this tank still in 30 years, lol. So eventually these little guys are gonna have to go back to the pet store. We are really enjoying our fish tank, and joke that our favorite "dates" are spent going to pet stores!! Hopefully in a year or so, we will attempt to tackle a salt water tank.

Anyhow, this is all I can think of to post about for now. Hopefully sometime soon I'll come up with something more interesting to write about and I'll actually be able to post pictures also. :)

p.s.
It just dawned on me, that this entire post had to do with animals!! Dogs...fish...and zoo's?!?

Anual Dementia Test

It's that time of year for us to take our annual senior citizen test.
Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles.
As we grow older, it's important to keep mentally alert.
If you don't use it, you lose it!
Below is a very private way to gauge how your memory compares to the last test.
Some may think it is too easy but the ones with memory problems may have difficulty.
Take the test presented here to determine if you're losing it or not.
The spaces below are so you don't see the answers until you've made your answer.

OK, relax, clear your mind and begin.


1. What do you put in a toaster?





Answer: 'bread.' If you said 'toast' give up now and do something else..

Try not to hurt yourself. If you said, bread, go to Question 2.



2. Say 'silk' five times. Now spell 'silk.' What do cows drink?





Answer: Cows drink water. If you said 'milk,' don't attempt the next
question.



Your brain is over-stressed and may even overheat.
Content yourself with reading a more appropriate literature such as Auto World.


However, if you said 'water', proceed to question 3.




3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a green house made from?




Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said 'green bricks,' why are you still reading these???
If you said 'glass,' go on to Question 4.



4. It's twenty years ago, and a plane is flying at 20,000 feet over Germany (If you will recall, Germany at the time was politically divided into West Germany and East Germany ). Anyway, during the flight, two engines fail. The pilot, realizing that the last remaining engine is also failing,
decides on a crash landing procedure. Unfortunately the engine fails before he can do so and the plane fatally crashes smack in the middle of 'no man's land' between East Germany and West Germany .... Where would you bury the survivors? East Germany , West Germany , or no man's land'?







Answer: You don't bury survivors.
If you said ANYTHING else, you're a dunce and you must stop. If you said, You don't bury survivors', proceed to the next question.





5. Without using a calculator - You are driving a bus from London to Milford
Haven in Wales .
In London , 17 people get on the bus.
In Reading , 6 people get off the bus and 9 people get on.
In Swindon, 2 people get off and 4 get on.
In Cardiff , 11 people get off and 16 people get on.
In Swansea , 3 people get off and 5 people get on.
In Carmathen, 6 people get off and 3 get on.
You then arrive at Milford Haven ..




Without scrolling back to review, how old is the bus driver?








Answer: Oh, for crying out loud!
Don't you remember your own age? It was YOU driving the bus!!





If you pass this along to your friends, pray they do better than you.


PS: 95% of people fail most of the questions!!

Ancedotes of Stupidity

In general public, you can't hide from stupidity....

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At the fish hatchery where I work, we have a small display that describes the now-extinct Michigan Grayling (a kind of fish). This summer, I had the following conversation with a tourist:


Tourist: "Is the Grayling still extinct?"
Me: "Yes sir, it doesn't exist anymore."
Tourist: "Any thoughts of bringing it back?"
Me: "No, I don't think that's possible."
Tourist: "Why not?"
Me: "Because it's extinct."
Tourist: "Still?"
Me: "Yes."
Frustrated, he left.

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I was checking out at the local Foodland with just a few items, and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those dividers that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the divider and looked all over it for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code she said to me, "Do you know how much this is?"

I said, "I've changed my mind; I don't think I'll buy that today."

She said, "OK," and I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue about what had just happened.

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Overheard at a movie theater snack bar:


Customer: "I'll have a large popcorn."
Clerk: "Sorry, our popper is broken. How about a hotdog?"
Customer: "Ok, I'll have a hot dog."
Clerk: "We're out of hot dogs."

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This happened a couple of years ago in a local electronics store.


Me: "I am looking to buy a large screen TV, but I have heard that they scratch easily."
Salesman: "Not at all true! Let me show you."
The salesman took a quarter out of his pocket and make a huge scratch in one of the display models.

Salesman: "As you can see, there is no scratch."
Me: "What are you talking about?? Look at that huge scratch right there!"
Salesman: "There's nothing there. Here, let me show you again."
He proceeded to deface two more TVs.

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My girlfriend and I visited together with her friend in an old churchyard from the 1700s. Among the tombstones was one dated around 1725 that had fresh flowers by it.


Our Friend: "I wonder who has been here with the flowers?"
My Girlfriend: (joking) "I guess the widow has been here."
Our Friend: "Yes, I guess you're right. Who else could it have been?"

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The following call came in at 7:30 this morning:


Me: "Hello?"
Some Woman: "Mannie?"
Me: "Ma'am, what number are you trying to reach?"
Some Woman: "Mannie, y'all get up now, cause y'all are goin' to Sunday School, okay, sweetie?"
Me: "Ma'am, I am not your sweetie. You have a wrong number!"
Some Woman: "Okay, sweetie, see you soon!" (click)

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I work as a cashier at a grocery store that was celebrating its grand re-opening. To draw customers, we were mailing out coupons for various free items, such as eggs, soda, chips, etc. The coupon for the chips was very specific: it had to be a 13 1/4 bag of Lays Potato Chips.

One lady was a bit confused. Upon handing me her bag of chips and the corresponding coupon, she said, "The coupon says thirteen and one fourth, but I guess this is close enough, right?" I checked. The net weight of the bag was given as 13.25 ounces. I looked up, certain she was joking.

She wasn't.

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This stupidity was a story my friend told me about his girlfriend at the time. When he told me the story, I didn't believe him, so I asked his girlfriend (who thought the South Pole was hot because it was in the South), and she confirmed the story.

He and his girlfriend were necking in his car when there was a power failure. All the street lights when out, and all the houses around were dark. She said, "Oh no, you won't be able to start your car!" He told her it would start just fine, and then she said, "But your headlights won't work! You won't be able to see where you're going!"

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I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed that I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature on the credit card with the signature I just signed on the receipt. So I signed the credit card in front of her.

She carefully compared that signature to the one I signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they matched.

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I was working in a photo store, which specializes in restoring old photographs, when a lady brought in a old picture of a man sitting behind a cow, milking it.


Her: "Can you fix this picture for me?"
Me: "Sure. What would you like us to do?"
Her: "Can you move the cow?"
Me: "Move the cow?"
Her: "I want to know what my great-grandfather looked like. That's him."
She pointed to the feet sticking out under the cow.


Me: "I don't think we can do that."
Her: "Just move the cow over, and we'll be able to see his face."
Me: "I'm sorry. We don't have the technology to do that."
Her: (getting huffy) "Well, I guess I'll just take this somewhere else."


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In my high school civics class the air conditioner didn't have the vents to direct which way the air would blow for most of the first semester, so everyone who sat in the back of the class would freeze, while the people sitting in the front were always hot. One day, somebody in the back decided to take a stand against the teacher and declare the class to be cold. He stood up and said, "Mrs. Barnes, it's cold in here. We need to turn the air off."

Since this was a class that always had to argue, someone else said "Turn it off?"

The first person, being the exceptionally bright student that he is, retorted, "Yeah, off. O - F."

Then one of our other geniuses decided to pipe up and said, "I would have laughed so hard if you had spelled that wrong."

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I work in the Toy Department at a Walmart, and one day I was asked to do a price check. The cashier explained to me that a customer wanted to buy some puzzles, priced at 4 for $5.00, but they were ringing up at $1.25 a piece. Apparently neither the customer nor the cashier ever made it through sixth grade math.

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I used to work in an art supply store. We sold artists' canvas by the yard, and you could get it in either of two widths: 36 inches or 48 inches.


Customer: "Can you please cut some canvas for me?"

Me: "Certainly, what width?"

Customer: (confused and slightly annoyed) "Scissors?"


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I was pulling into a gas station one day when I saw a woman drive off with the nozzle still in her gas tank. She jerked the nozzle right off the hose. Realizing what she had done, she pulled back in, took the nozzle out of the tank, and put it back on the pump. Then she went inside to straighten things out with the management.

While she was inside, a young man pulled up to the pump. He took the nozzle, with no hose attached, into his tank. He couldn't seem to figure out why he wasn't getting any gas. He even took the nozzle out and repositioned it in the tank a couple times. I thought about pointing out the obvious problem to him but then decided that he'd be embarrassed enough when he figured it out on his own.

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About a year and a half ago I went with a couple of buddies to a hardware store to get some paint for my living room. Since we were buying paint we started talking about various facets of house painting, home renovation, etc. I brought up the fact that I wanted to paint my bedroom camouflage when I was little, but my parents wouldn't let me. The clerk looked at us with a straight face and said, "How would you go about mixing camouflage paint anyway?" I had to walk out of the store very quickly so I wouldn't laugh in the clerk's face.

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In Canada, we have recently begun receiving and using new $10 bills that are harder for counterfeiters to reproduce. I overheard this conversation, between two ladies, on a bus:


Lady #1: "You know the new $10 bills? Do you know how much it costs the government to print them?"
Lady #2: "I don't know. Twenty bucks each?"
Lady #1: "Well, that's what I thought too, but I saw on the news yesterday that they only cost four cents!"
Lady #2: "WHAT?? Four cents! And we pay ten bucks for them? What a rip off!"

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I was at the airport, checking in at the gate, when the airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?"

I said, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?"

He smiled and nodded knowingly, "That's why we ask."

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I work for a cable company. About two years ago a storm caused terrific damage to a neighborhood about three blocks from our office. A customer called to complain that his cable was off. I asked his address. When he gave it to me, I recognized it immediately. I had done a damage survey less than an hour before.

Me: "Sir, isn't this the big yellow two story house on the corner that's divided into apartments?"
Him: "Yes."
Me: "Well, sir, a tree is lying on your roof isn't it?"
Him: "Yes."
Me: "Sir, that tree tore down the power, phone, and cable lines. We'll have to wait until your landlord has the tree removed to fix the cable."
Him: "Listen, I want my service fixed now. I don't care about the tree."

Yeah, that makes sense. Let it rain in the house but don't miss must-see-TV!

Me: "Well, sir, even if the tree was gone, we have to wait for the power company to remove the power lines."
Him: "I don't care about that. I want you to fix my cable now!"
Me: "Sir, even if the cable was working, without power you couldn't turn on the TV."

It was about this time I wondered how he was calling me -- remember, the phone line was down too. He answered the question for me.

Him: "Listen buddy, I've got a generator and a cell phone. I've got to see the game. I don't care how big the hole is in the screen of the set. I can work around that."


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While on a ski trip in Wyoming, I encountered a husband and wife on the slopes who asked me if I would take a picture of them. I said I would be happy to, and I did. Then I asked if they wouldn't mind taking a picture of me.

"Oh...sorry," the man answered, "but we only have two pictures left, and we wanted to take some pictures of the lodge."

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When I brought my mother-in-law home one afternoon, she discovered that she didn't have her key to her second story apartment. I went to the garage, took out the ladder, and climbed up, finding that all the windows were locked. As I stood there on the ladder, deciding whether to break the window or not, she looked up at me and said, "Too bad Mrs. Jones (the owner of the building) isn't here. She has a key to my apartment, and she could go up and open the window for you!"

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Caller: "Can I speak to Mr. [name], please?"
Me: "I'm sorry, Mr. [name] is on vacation."
Caller: "I'll hold."

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When my friend got her driver's license, her sister looked at it and, quite perplexed asked, "'Donor'? What did you doan?" My friend corrected her, "I donated my organs in the event that I die." Her confused response: "Don't you need them?"

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Phone Sales Representative: "Will you be paying by credit card?"
Customer: "Yes."
Phone Sales Representative: "Ok, I need your credit card number and your name as it appears on the card, please."
Customer: "WHAT?!? I'm not giving my credit card to you over the phone! Then your company will have access to it!"
He hung up. Saved me the trouble, actually.

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I used to work in technical support for a 24x7 call center. One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week."

"Is that Eastern or Pacific time?" he asked.

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So my colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria when we overheard one of the administrative assistants talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the shore. She drove down in a convertible but didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving.

Twins

Upon telling people that I am a twin, I have heard some really interesting comments. I can't tell you how many times this exchange has happened:

"Are you two related?"
"Yes, we're twins."
"Gosh, you look so much alike I would have thought you were sisters."


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Around the beginning of the school year, my sister was talking to a guy in her history class. Apparently the same guy was in my English class but didn't realize there were two of us. He came up to my sister and said, "Hi Sarah."

My sister corrected him. "No, I'm Jennifer."

He got really confused and asked, "Well, how come they call you Sarah in English class?"

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One of my favorite exchanges about being a twin happens every now and again. It goes like this:


"How old are you?"
"I'm 27."
"How old is your twin sister?"

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I have twins that are five months old. Once I was talking to a young man, maybe 19 or 20, who looked at my babies and asked if I had two boys or two girls. I replied, "Oh, they're a boy and a girl."

"I thought they were twins?"

"They are!" I answered, and then I had to explain that, yes, this was possible. He couldn't seem to grasp the difference between fraternal and identical twins.

Finally he asked, "Are you sure?"

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When I was in college, I was working for a savings and loan as a security guard at night. One evening, my identical twin brother stopped by, and one of my not-so-bright co-workers was amazed:


Co-Worker: "Wow, are you guys twins?"
Me: "Yeah."
Co-Worker: "How do you tell each other apart?"
He was not joking.

Employee Reviews

The following are excerpts from federal employee performance evaluations.

------------------------------------------

"Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig."

"His men would follow him anywhere but only out of morbid curiosity."

"This associate is really not so much a has-been, but more of a definitely won't be."

"Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."

"When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change feet."

"This young lady has delusions of adequacy."

"He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."

"This employee should go far -- and the sooner he starts, the better we'll be."

"This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."

"This employee should not be allowed to breed."

"This man has the whole six pack but is missing the plastic thingy that holds them all together."

"He certainly takes a long time to make his pointless."

"He would argue with a signpost."

"He has a knack for making strangers immediately."

Kid Quotes

Quick Quotations:

"I'm being haive!" -- 2 year old son, when his mother told him told to behave

"TNT." -- Given as an answer for a written spelling bee, when the teacher called the word "dynamite."

"I'm glad I'm finally eight. This is the oldest I've ever been in my entire life!" -- 8 year old son.

"Oh, well Mom said all I had to use was the sponge and dish detergent." -- 12 year old daughter, when her father told her he used elbow grease to get the dishes clean

"Why don't you get some expensive money?" -- 3 year old daughter, when told by her mother that she could get a small toy but that the ones asked for were too expensive

"There's no one in there." -- 6 year old son, in response to seeing his father hanging pictures and tapping on the walls to find the support beams.

"Daddy picked them up and looked underneath. I think it's printed on the bottom." -- 3 year old son, when his mother asked how his father knew the genders of four new baby kittens

"They didn't see it -- it was all cut off!" -- 2 year old son, when his mother was asked how his grandparents liked his new haircut

"Tell me when you're asleep, ok?" -- 7 year old son, overheard talking to his 5 year old brother.

"Well you're old, and you're not dead." -- "3 year old son, to his father. The comment followed an explanation of why the father's grandparents weren't around anymore.

"The box says you can't eat them if the seal is broken. I'm looking for the seal." -- A young son, examining the contents of a box of Animal Crackers

"Don't kid me, Mom, I know they're my feet." -- 3 year old son, when his mother told him his shoes were on the wrong feet

"I wish someone we knew would die so we could leave them flowers." -- 6 year old girl, upon seeing flowers in a cemetery.

"And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us some email." -- 4 year old girl, misquoting the Lord's Prayer

"I didn't look much -- I've only got little eyes!" -- 7 year old, about to be scolded for peeking at her Christmas presents.

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I Feel So Old:

"This is the biggest CD I've ever seen!" -- On first seeing a record.

"You know those big CDs?" -- High school student describing a record.

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Kid Stories:

The other day my five year old grandson was lounging on my lap.

Him: "Poppop, you have hair in your nose."
Me: "Everybody has hair in their nose."
Him: "But you have a lot of hair in your nose."
Me: "Well, it's not growing on top of my head very well. I have to grow it somewhere."
Him: (thoughtful pause) "Do you want me to pull some of it out for you?"
I declined the offer.

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My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him, "62." He was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, "Did you start at 1?"

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My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?" I mentally polished my halo while I asked, "No, how are we alike?"

"You're both old," he replied.

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A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather's word processor. She told him she was writing a story. "What's it about?" he asked.

"I don't know," she replied. "I can't read."

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A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat, one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."

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A father was reading Bible stories to his young son. He read, "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city, but his wife looked back and was turned to salt." His son asked, "What happened to the flea?"

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A little boy was in a relative's wedding. As he was coming down the aisle he would take two steps, stop, and turn to the crowd (alternating between bride's side and groom's side), put his hands up like claws, and roar. Step, step, ROAR, step step, ROAR, all the way down the aisle. The crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by the time he reached the pulpit. The little boy, however, was getting more and more distressed from all the laughing and was almost crying by the time he reached the pulpit. When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and said, "I was being the Ring Bear."

Kid's idea about science

"One horsepower is the amount of energy it takes to drag a horse 500 feet in one second."

"You can listen to thunder after lightning and tell how close you came to getting hit. If you don't hear it, you got hit, so never mind."

"Talc is found on rocks and on babies."

"The law of gravity says no fair jumping up without coming back down."

"When they broke open molecules, they found they were only stuffed with atoms. But when they broke open atoms, they found them stuffed with explosions."

"When people run around and around in circles we say they are crazy. When planets do it we say they are orbiting."

"Rainbows are just to look at, not to really understand."

"Someday we may discover how to make magnets that can point in any direction."

"South America has cold summers and hot winters, but somehow they still manage."

"A vibration is a motion that cannot make up its mind which way it wants to go."

"There are 26 vitamins in all, but some of the letters are yet to be discovered. Finding them all means living forever."

"Many dead animals in the past changed to fossils, while others preferred to be oil."

"Genetics explain why you look like your father, and if you don't why you should."

"Some oxygen molecules help fires burn, while others help make water, so sometimes it's brother against brother."

"Some people can tell what time it is by looking at the sun. But I have never been able to make out the numbers."

"In looking at a drop of water under a microscope, we find there are twice as many H's as O's."

"Clouds are high flying fogs."

"I am not sure how clouds get formed. But the clouds know how to do it, and that is the important thing."

"Clouds just keep circling the earth around and around. And around. There is not much else to do."

"We keep track of the humidity in the air so we won't drown when we breathe."

"Rain is often known as soft water, oppositely known as hail."

"The wind is like the air, only pushier."

Kids' idea about love...

Love and Marriage:

"If falling in love is anything like learning how to spell, I don't want to do it. It takes too long." -- Glenn, age 7

"Love is like an avalanche where you have to run for your life." -- John, age 9

"I think you're supposed to get shot with an arrow or something, but the rest of it isn't supposed to be so painful." -- Manuel, age 8

"No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do with how you smell. That's why perfume and deodorant are so popular." -- Mae, age 9

"Love is the most important thing in the world, but baseball is pretty good too." -- Greg, age 8

"Once I'm done with kindergarten, I'm going to find me a wife." -- Tom, age 5

"I'm in favor of love as long as it doesn't happen when Dinosaurs is on television." -- Jill, age 6

"One of the people has freckles, and so he finds somebody else who has freckles too." -- Andrew, age 6

"My mother says to look for a man who is kind. That's what I'll do. I'll find somebody who's kinda tall and handsome." -- Carolyn, age 8

"It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I'm just a kid. I don't need that kind of trouble." -- Kenny, age 7

"One of you should know how to write a check. Because, even if you have tons of love, there is still going to be a lot of bills." -- Ava, age 8

"I'm not rushing into being in love. I'm finding fourth grade hard enough." -- Regina, age 10

"Most men are brainless, so you might have to try more than once to find a live one." -- Angie, age 10

"A man and a woman promise to go through sickness and illness and diseases together." -- Marlon, age 10

"Being single is better . . . for the simple reason that I wouldn't want to change no diapers. Of course, if I did get married, I'd figure something out. I'd just phone my mother and have her come over for some coffee and diaper-changing." -- Kirsten, age 10

"Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. I been trying to hide from it since I was five, but the girls keep finding me." -- Dave, age 8


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Kissing:

"You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a big ring and her own VCR, 'cause she'll want to have videos of the wedding." -- Jim, age 10

"If it's your mother, you can kiss her anytime. But if it's a new person, you have to ask permission." -- Roger, age 6

"It's never okay to kiss a boy. They always slobber all over you. That's why I stopped doing it." -- Tammy, age 10

"I know one reason kissing was created. It makes you feel warm all over, and they didn't always have electric heat or fireplaces or even stoves in their houses." -- Gina, age 8

"The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that." -- Curt, age 7

"The rules goes like this: if you kiss someone, then you should marry her and have kids with her. It's the right thing to do." -- Howard, age 8

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Beauty:

"If you want to be loved by somebody who isn't already in your family, it doesn't hurt to be beautiful." -- Anita, age 8

"Beauty is skin deep. But how rich you are can last a long time." -- Christine, age 9

"It isn't always how you look. Look at me. I'm handsome like anything, and I haven't got anybody to marry me yet." -- Brian, age 7

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How People In Love Act:

"Lovers will just be staring at each other and their food will get cold. Other people care more about the food." -- Brad, age 8

"See if the man picks up the check. That's how you can tell if he's in love." -- John, age 9

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How To Tell If Two People Are Married:

"Married people usually look happy to talk to other people." -- Eddie, age 6

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Deciding Who To Marry:

"You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming." -- Allan, age 10

"No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with." -- Kirsten, age 10

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Strategies For Making People Fall In Love With You:

"Tell them that you own a whole bunch of candy stores." -- Del, age 6

"Yell out that you love them at the top of your lungs...and don't worry if their parents are right there." -- Manuel, age 8

"One way is to take the girl out to eat. Make sure it's something she likes to eat. French fries usually works for me." -- Bart, age 9

"Don't do things like have smelly, green sneakers. You might get attention, but attention ain't the same thing as love." -- Alonzo, age 9


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The Best Age To Get Married:

"Twenty three is the best age because you know the person forever by then." -- Cam, age 10


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Good Advice About Love:

"Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck!" -- Ricky, age 7

"Don't forget your wife's name. That will mess up the love." -- Erin, age 8

"Sensitivity don't hurt." -- Robbie, age 8

"Be a good kisser. It might make your wife forget that you never take out the trash." -- Erin, age 8

"Don't say you love somebody and then change your mind. Love isn't like picking what movie you want to watch." -- Natalie, age 9


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What Most People Are Thinking When They Say "I Love You":

"The person is thinking: 'Yeah, I really do love him. But I hope he showers at least once a day.'" -- Michelle, age 9

"Some lovers might be real nervous, so they are glad that they finally got it out and said it, and now they can go eat." -- Dick, age 7


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Why People In Love Often Hold Hands:

"They want to make sure their rings don't fall off, because they paid good money for them." -- Gavin, age 8

"They are just practicing for when they might have to walk down the aisle someday and do the holy matchimony thing." -- John, age 9

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Titles of Love Ballads You Can Sing To Your Loved One:

"'I Love Hamburgers, I Like You!'" -- Eddie, age 6

"'You Are My Darling Even Though You Also Know My Sister.'" -- Larry, age 8

"'I Am In Love With You Most of the Time, But Don't Bother Me When I'm With My Friends.'" -- Bob, age 9

"'How Do I Love Thee When You're Always Picking Your Nose?'" -- Arnold, age 10

"'Honey, I Got Your Curly Hair and Your Nintendo On My Mind.'" -- Sharon, age 9

"'Hey, Baby, I Don't Like Girls, But I'm Willing To Forget You Are One!'" -- Will, age 7

Tennant Complaints

This is a collection of quotes from letters sent to a landlord from his tenants.

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◦"This is to let you know that there is a smell coming from the man next door."

◦"Our toilet seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces."

◦"The toilet is blocked, and we cannot bathe the children until it is cleared."

The Marriage of Miss Bad Breath and Mr. Smelly Feet

A young couple, madly in love, decided to get married. But as the wedding day neared, both grew increasingly nervous over secret problems they had never shared with anyone. Privately, the groom-to-be approached his minister.

“I’m really concerned about this marriage,” the young man said.

“Don’t you love her?” the pastor asked in surprise.

“Of course,” the groom said. “But I have unbelievably smelly feet—and I’m afraid my fiancée won’t be able to stand them.”

“Oh, is that all?” the pastor replied. “Look, all you need to do is wash your feet twice a day and wear socks all the time.”

The groom thought it over and decided it just might work.

Meanwhile, the nervous bride had privately approached the minister’s wife. “I’m so worried,” she sobbed. “I have really bad breath when I wake up each day!”

“Oh, dear,” the pastor’s wife replied,” everyone has bad breath in the morning. Don’t worry about it.”

“No, you don’t understand,” the bride implored. “My morning breath is so awful, my fiancé won’t even want to be near me!”

“Well, I have an idea,” the pastor’s wife said soothingly. “Set your alarm just a few minutes before your husband wakes up. Run to the bathroom, brush your teeth, and gargle with mouthwash before he gets out of bed. The key is not to say anything until you’ve taken care of your breath.”

The bride thought it over and decided it just might work.

In time, a beautiful wedding was held and the bride and groom enjoyed the day without once worrying about their secret problems. For several months they managed to keep their issues to themselves.

They one morning, the husband awoke before dawn to find that one of his socks had come off in the night. Frantic, he searched the bed, afraid of what might happen if he didn’t find his sock soon. His bride woke with a start, and, without thinking, blurted out, “What in the world are you doing?”

“Oh, dear!” the young man wailed. “You swallowed my sock!”

questions asked of cruise ship pursers

"Do you make your own electricity on board?"

"Why can't I get cable stations?"

"Are you the Captain?"

"Do you actually live on this ship?"

"Do these stairs go up or down?"

"Does the crew sleep on board?"

"Could you call the captain to stop the waves? I am getting seasick."

"I just saw the Captain in the dining room. Who is steering the ship?"

"Is the water in the toilets salty or fresh?"

"What time does the midnight buffet start?"

"What do you do with the ice sculptures after they melt?"

"So what is the elevation here?" -- On an Alaskan cruise.

"Why can't I find a USPC post box in town?" -- In Ocho Rios, Jamaica.

"I want to change cabins! I paid good money for this cruise, and all I can see is a rusted crane in the harbor!" -- Asked before leaving port.

Questions asked of Librarians

"I'm looking for a book."

"Do you have books here?"

"Do you have a list of all the books written in the English language?"

"Do you have a list of all the books I've ever read?"

"Where is the reference desk?" -- Asked of a worker sitting at a desk, over which was a sign saying 'REFERENCE DESK'.

"Can you tell me why so many famous Civil War battles were fought on National Park sites?"

"I was here about three weeks ago looking at a cookbook that cost $39.95. Do you know which one it is?"

"I need a color photograph of George Washington." -- Other individuals asked for, by other patrons, are Christopher Columbus, King Arthur, Moses, Socrates, and more.

"I'm looking for information on carpal tunnel syndrome. I think I'm having trouble with it in my neck."

"Is the basement upstairs?"

"I got a quote from a book I turned in last week but I forgot to write down the author and title. It's big and red, and I found it on the top shelf. Can you find it for me?"

"Do you have anything good to read?" -- The response was, "No, ma'am. I'm afraid we have 75,000 books, and they're all duds."

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Library Anecdote:

Patron: "I am looking for a globe of the earth."
Librarian: "We have a table-top model over here."
Patron: "No, that's not good enough. Don't you have a life-size?"
Librarian: (pause) "Yes, but it's in use right now."

Questions asked of Park Rangers

Everglades National Park:

"Are the alligators real?"

"Are the baby alligators for sale?"

"Where are the rides?"

"What time does the two o'clock bus leave?"

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Grand Canyon National Park:

"Was this man-made?"

"Do you light it up at night?"

"I bought tickets for the elevator to the bottom -- where is it?"

"So where are the faces of the presidents?"

"So is that Canada over there?"

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Denali National Park:

"What time to you feed the bears?"

"What's so wonderful about Wonder Lake?"

"How often do you mow the tundra?"

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Mesa Verde National Park:

"Did people build this, or did Indians?"

"Why did they build the ruins so close to the road?"

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Yellowstone National Park:

"Does Old Faithful erupt at night?"

"Do you put the animals away at night?"

"How do you turn it on?"

"When does the guy who turns it on get to sleep?"

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Carlsbad Caverns National Park:

"How much of the cave is underground?"

"So what's in the unexplored part of the cave?"

"Does it ever rain in here?"

"So what is this -- just a hole in the ground?"

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Yosemite National Park:

"Where are the cages for the animals?"

"What time of year do you turn on Yosemite Falls?"

"What happened to the other half of Half Dome?"

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Banff National Park:

"Is that food coloring in the lakes?"

"When did you build the glaciers?"

"How much for a moose?"

"Where are the igloos?"

"How do the elk know they're supposed to cross at the Elk Crossing signs?"

"At what elevation does an elk become a moose?"

"Are the bears with collars tame?"

"Is there anywhere I can see the bears pose?"

"Is it ok to keep an open bag of bacon on the picnic table, or should I store it in my tent?"

"Where can I find Alpine Flamingos?"

"Where does Alberta end and Canada begin?"

"How far is Banff from Canada?"

"What's the best way to see Canada in a day?"

"When we enter British Columbia, do we have to convert our money to British pounds?"

"Where can I buy a raccoon hat? All Canadians own one, don't they?"

"Are there phones in Banff?"

"So it's eight kilometers away. Is that in miles?"

"We're on the decibel system, you know."

"Is that two kilometers by foot or by car?"

"Did I miss the turnoff for Canada?"

"Do you have a map of the State of Jasper?"

"Is this the part of Canada that speaks French, or is that Saskatchewan?"

"If I go to British Columbia, do I have to go through Ontario?"

"Do they search you at the British Columbia border?"

"Are there birds in Canada?"

"I saw an animal on the way to Banff today. Could you tell me what it was?"

"How do you pronounce 'Elk'?" / "'Elk.'" / "Oh."

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Glacier National Park:

"When do the deer become elk?"

"When do the glaciers go by?"

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Isle Royale National Park:

"I just saw the ugliest horse I've ever seen." -- After seeing a moose.

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Sutter's Fort State Historic Park, Sacramento

"Where are the tracks the wagon trains ran on?"

"Where do you cook?" / "We cook over the fire here." / "Don't your pans melt?"

Tourism Follies

The world is a big place. We can't know everything about everywhere, but sometimes it's funny when tourists visit places and meet people completely ignorant of where they came from. Funnier still is when the tourists don't have any clue about the places they are visiting.

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Local Yokels:

"So, you live in Plymouth. What city is that in?"

"England? Can you get there by train?" -- Asked of an English tourist in the United States.

"England? That's in London, isn't it?" -- Asked of an English tourist in the United States.

"England? That's near Paris, the city of love!" -- Asked of an English tourist in the United States.

"So, you guys are from Ireland -- did you drive across?" -- Asked of two Irish women on a trip to Delaware.

"Do they have pianos in Ireland?" -- Asked of an Irish tourist in the United States.

"You're from New Zealand, aren't you? That's just off the southeast corner of Canada, isn't it?" -- Asked of a New Zealander on a trip to Washington D.C.

"After moving here, how were you able to know what the speed limit was? Could you read our traffic signs?" -- Asked of a Canadian who moved to the United States.

"You're from America? Do you know my cousin Patrick in Chicago?" -- Asked of a tourist from Connecticut in Ireland.

"New Zealand is a state in Australia, right?" -- Asked of an Australian, travelling abroad.

"How do you get around, since you don't have any cars?" -- Asked of an Australian, travelling abroad.

"You don't have electricity there, do you?" -- Asked of an Australian, travelling abroad.

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Tourists Without a Clue:

"Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?" -- Asked of a travel agent about travel arrangements to Hawaii.

"Does your flag come in any other colors?" -- Asked by a tourist in Victoria, British Columbia, Canada.

"Excuse me, is this the Eiffel Tower?" - Asked by one tourist of another while waiting in line for the CN Tower in Toronto.

"Were these steps always here, or did they build them?" -- Asked of a guide at Mitchelstown Caves, Cork, Ireland. The guide jokingly replied, "No, but the electricity was!" and the tourist said, "Oh, really, wow!"

"How long does it take the penguins to migrate to Kelly Tarlton's?" -- Asked at the Auckland, New Zealand, Visitor Information Centre; Kelly Tarlton's is an aquarium which features penguins.

"Can I get a ferry to Australia?" -- Asked at the Auckland, New Zealand, Visitor Information Centre.

"Can you tell me where the Sky Tower is?" -- Asked at the Auckland, New Zealand, Visitor Information Centre; the Sky Tower in Auckland is the tallest building in the southern hemisphere and difficult to miss.

"What time do the penguins leave the zoo?" -- Asked of a tourist information center in Scotland.

"Is there anyone here who speaks Australian?" -- Asked of a tourist information center in Scotland.

"Is Fort William still alive?" -- Asked of a tourist information center in Scotland.

"Where can I find some leprechauns?" -- Asked by a tourist in Ireland.

"Where is the bridge to Europe?" -- Asked by a tourist in Ireland.

"Why did the queen build Windsor Castle so close to Heathrow Airport?" -- Asked by an American tourist in England.

"So Finland consists of several islands? Are you self-sufficient here? Do you have to go somewhere else to get something? I mean...are you happy here?" -- Asked by a tourist in Helsinki, Finland.

"Was it always like that, or did they change it after JFK was President?" -- Asked of a guide at Royal Gorge in Colorado, after saying that from a certain angle, one mountain peak looks like JFK's head.

"Will I be able to see Polar Bears in the street?" -- Asked by a prospective tourist of Canada.

"Are there any ATMs in Canada? Can you send me list of them in Toronto, Vancouver, Edmonton, and Halifax?" -- Posted to a web site about tourism in Canada.

"Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Canada?" -- Posted to a tourism web site.

"Which direction is north in Canada?" -- Posted to a tourism web site.

"Are there supermarkets in Toronto and is milk available all year round?" -- Posted to a tourism web site.

"I have a question about a famous animal in Canada, but I forget its name. It's a kind of big horse with horns." -- Posted to a tourism web site.

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Bon Voyage:

"Oh, are you going to drive there?" -- Asked repeatedly of a couple moving to Iceland.

"How does Canadian sound? I don't think I've ever heard that language before." -- Asked after a friend told him about his vacation in Canada.

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Travel:

"Can I get an aisle seat so my hair won't get messed up by being near the window?" -- Asked by someone booking a plane ticket.

"I heard Dallas was a big airport, and I need a car to drive between the gates to save time." -- Asked by a man looking to rent a car for his one-hour layover in Dallas.

"Do airlines put your physical description on your bag? Because I checked in with the airline, and they put a tag on my luggage that said FAT, and I'm overweight. Is there any connection?" -- Asked by a woman flying to Fresno, whose airport code is FAT.

"How do I know which plane to get on? I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these darn planes have numbers on them."

"I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola on one of those computer planes." -- Spoken to a travel agent. The agent asked if she meant she needed to fly to Pensacola on a commuter plane. She said, "Yeah, whatever."

"Look, I've been to China four times, and every time they have accepted my American Express." -- A complaint from a man, after being told that his trip to China would require him to have a visa.

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Geography:

"What do you mean New Hampshire's a long distance call?! It's part of Massachusetts!" -- Declared by someone who grew up in Boston.

"Vermont is a state?" -- Asked of a contractor that provided long-distance information for AT&T.

"What state is Minnesota in?" -- Overheard in a store.

"I'm from West Virginia."
"So, what's life like in western Virginia?"
"No, I said West Virginia."
"You know, you're the third person I've talked to from western Virginia, and I will never understand why you don't just say you're from Virginia. It's not that bad of a place!"
-- A conversation between a West Virginian and a Californian.

"I want to walk from Vancouver to Toronto -- can I follow the railroad tracks?" -- Posted to a tourism web site.

"I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Cape Town is in Massachusetts." -- Spoken by a caller to a travel agent, who told her she needed a passport to fly to Cape Town. After the travel agent explained that Cape Cod is in Massachusetts and Cape Town is in Africa, the phone line went dead.

"Don't lie to me. I looked on the map, and Florida is a very thin state." -- An irate man to a travel agent, after returning from a trip to Orlando. The man was upset because his hotel room did not have an ocean view.

"Is it possible to see England from Canada? They look so close on the map."

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Geography Anecdotes:

Caller: "Hello. I'm calling about [a product]. I need to talk to one of your technical people so I can assess the product's suitability for a proposal I'm writing."
Operator: "Sure. So I may route your call more effectively, please tell me the region from which you are calling."
Caller: "Auckland, New Zealand."
Operator: "Sir, in which state is that?"
Caller: (chuckles) "Quite a good one actually, but with recent elections you never know!"
Operator: "Sir, I need you to tell me which state Auckland New Zealand is in so I can route your call."
Caller: "Oh. New Zealand is not in any state. It is a country in the South Pacific, near Australia. Auckland is a city in New Zealand."
Operator: "Thank you, sir. I have Australia -- putting you through now."
Caller: "No--" (click)

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I recently moved from Wisconsin to Texas.


Her: "Hi! Where are you from?"
Me: "I'm from Wisconsin."
Her: (pause) "Where are you from?"
Me: "Wisconsin."
Her: "Oh, where's that?"
Me: "You know where Canada is?"
Her: "Yes."
Me: "Right under that."
Her: "Wisconsin...is that a state?"
Me: "Yeah. It is."
Later, I had this conversation with my new social studies teacher:


Him: "Well, welcome Samantha. You're from Minnesota, right?"
Me: "No, Wisconsin."
Him: "So you're from...Chicago?"
Me: "No, sir, that is in Illinois."
Him: "Oh, and you're from Michigan!"
Me: "No, sir, Wisconsin."
Him: "Well, why didn't you say so earlier?"
Me: "I don't know, sir."
Him: "So there's a lot of cheese there right?"
Me: "Some, sir."
Him: "And y'all's football team is the Cubs, right?"
Me: "No sir, that's Illinois."
Him: "Vikings?"
Me: "No. That's Minnesota."
Him: "But I thought you're from Minnesota."
Me: "No sir, I'm from Wisconsin."
Him: "Oh...so you don't have a football team there!"
Me: "No sir, the Green Bay Packers are very popular there."
Him: "But that's a Michigan team."
Me: "No sir, Green Bay is in Wisconsin."
Him: "But I thought you were from Illinois."
Me: "No sir, Wisconsin."
Him: "Oh. So you just have hockey there, huh?"
Me: "Not any professional teams, sir."
Him: "Well, I thought the Stars were from up there."
Me: "From Minnesota sir, but now they play for Dallas."
Him: "Do they really? I didn't know that."
Me: "Yes, sir, they do."
Him: "Well, anyway. Welcome, Samantha from Michigan."
Me: "Wisconsin."

Questions asked of River Guides

"Does the river follow the canyon the whole way down?"

"Do we end up in the same place we started?"

"Are we below sea level here?"

"Can these life jackets get wet?"

"How thick are the canyon walls?"

"If I would have known there were this many rocks in the Grand Canyon, I would have never come on this trip."

"Why did the Lake Powell form on that side of Glen Canyon Dam instead of this side?"

Forrest Service Feedback

These quotations are actual comments left on Forest Service registration sheets and comment cards by hikers completing wilderness camping trips.

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"Escalators would help on steep uphill sections."

"A small deer came into my camp and stole my bag of pickles. Is there a way I can get reimbursed? Please call."

"Trails need to be wider so people can walk while holding hands."

"Ban walking sticks in wilderness. Hikers that use walking sticks are more likely to chase animals."

"Trails need to be reconstructed. Please avoid building trails that go uphill."

"Too many bugs and leeches and spiders and spider webs. Please spray the wilderness to rid the area of these pests."

"Please pave the trails so they can be plowed of snow in the winter."

"Chairlifts need to be in some places so that we can get to wonderful views without having to hike to them."

"The coyotes made too much noise last night and kept me awake. Please eradicate these annoying animals."

"Reflectors need to be placed on trees every 50 feet so people can hike at night with flashlights."

"A McDonald's would be nice at the trailhead."

"The places where trails do not exist are not well marked."

"Too many rocks in the mountains."

Fortune Cookies!!

Who doesn't love getting a chuckle from a fortune cookie?? ;-)

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Quotations from Fortune Cookies:

"You will find a bushel of money."

"You are going to have some new clothes."

"Face facts with dignity."

"You are free to invent your life."

"Good sense is the master of human life."

"Maybe someday we will live on the moon!"

"Don't panic."

"If you don't have time to live your life now, when will you?"

"Ignorance never settles a question."

"Simplicity and clarity should be your theme in dress."


"It could be better, but it's good enough."

"You will find a thing. It may be important."

"You may be hungry soon; order a takeout now."

"Buy the red car."

"I cannot talk right now. Even fortune cookies need to sleep sometime!"

"Never kiss an elephant on the lips."


"You are the master of every situation."

"No bird soars too high if he soars with his own wings."

The language barrier

English is not an easy language. Something that's close to what you might want to say could mean something completely different. Here are some actual things spoken or written by foreigners who are a little rusty on their English...

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Signs and Notices:

"Members and non-members only." -- A sign outside Mexico City's Mandinga Disco in the Hotel Emporio.

"Shower of Happiness. Total Safety Guaranteed." -- A label on an electric shower (to heat cold water) in Thailand.

"Do not spit here and there." -- A sign in Calcutta, India.

"Commit No Nuisance." -- A sign in Calcutta, India.

"We are thinking that 'How to management' is more important than 'What for sell'. we want to realize that is 'It's well that!' that is our opinion." -- On the cover of a photo shop's envelopes for newly developed film.

"ParkinginwrongPlaces Will Makeyou accountalbetoLaw Apartfrom being atresPassingontheRight oftheCitizenandthestate." -- A sign in Luxor, Egypt.

"Deposit: The owner asks for a deposit of 25.000 ptas as a guarantee for the flat. This amount will be returned at the end of your stay if any damage has been done." -- A sign in a Spanish hotel.

"Warning: Do not leave it in this place which may have a high temperature such as the car closed." -- Instructions for a CD adapter for a car's tape player.

"SOTP" -- A sign near a road crossing in Milan.

"Warning! Difficult to swim out if wearing wader filled with water by falling down! Therefor, please avoid deep water where danger of drowning possibility exists." -- On the label of a pair of chest waders manufactured in Taiwan.

"Please leave your values at the front desk." -- A sign in a Paris hotel.

"Let's skiing." -- A sign in a ski chalet in Nagano, Japan.

"Dah Wong Path." -- A sign for a park path in Hong Kong.

"Caution Water On Road During Rain" -- A sign in Malaysia.

"Refund!" -- "Caution," as translated into Italian on a "wet floor" sign in an Italian McDonald's.
"Please to bathe inside the tub." -- A sign in a Japanese hotel room.

"Our staffs are always here waiting for you to patronize them." -- From an advertisement for a hotel in Tokyo.

"This shop has been moved to the present place for 35 years." -- From an advertisement for an antique shop in Tokyo.

"Colorful dining space surrounded by stained glasses." -- From an advertisement for a restaurant in Tokyo.

"You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday." -- A sign in a Moscow hotel across the street from a Russian Orthodox monastery.

"Please waste." -- Signs on trash cans in an amusement park in Osaka, Japan.

"If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it." -- A sign on the door of a Moscow hotel room.

"Is forbidden to steal towels please. If you are not a person to do such thing is please not to read notis." -- A sign in a Tokyo hotel.

"To more the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order." -- A sign in a Belgrade elevator.

"Please take one step forward and crap twice." -- A sign in a temple in China.

"Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar." -- A sign in a Norwegian cocktail lounge.

"The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable." -- A sign in a Bucharest hotel lobby.

"Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists." -- From an advertisement by a dentist in Hong Kong.

"Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11am daily." -- A sign in a hotel in Athens.

"Dirty Water Punishment Place" -- How a sewage treatment plant was marked on a Tokyo map.

"Do not enter lift backwards, and only when lit up." -- A sign in a Leipzig elevator.

"Take one of our horse driven city tours -- we guarantee no miscarriages." -- A sign in a Czechoslovakian tourist agency.

"We take your bags and send them in all directions." -- A sign in a Copenhagen airline ticket office.

"Ladies may have a fit upstairs." -- A sign outside a Hong Kong tailor shop.

"Here speeching American." -- A sign in a Majorcan shop entrance.

"Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty." -- A sign in a Budapest zoo.

"In case of fire, do your utmost to alarm the hotel porter." -- A sign in a Vienna hotel.

"WARNING: Tips for waitress not privilege off customer, and not optonal to do! Is custimarry and IS THE LAW for leave tips, otherwise is possibul to face prostection by law! Please be responsivele, leave tip and no go jail! Have a nice day!" -- A sign on tables in a Chinese Restaurant in the United States.

"Coffee and Snakes" -- A sign in a coffee shop in Ingolstadt, Germany.

"Stop. Drive sideways." -- A detour sign in Japan.

"Special Today - no ice cream" -- A sign at a Swiss inn.

"You did not report yourself by the Alien police. You have to do this in a short time, otherwise you get troubles! When you don't come to our office, we demand you to come! And when you don't come again, you maybe have to pay a fine, and it is possible that you will be expanded." -- A letter sent by the Rotterdam (Netherlands) foreign police to someone who did not show up for a registration appointment.

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Instructions:

"If you need to detain a burglar untill the authorities arive, this firewire cable can render approximately three perpetrators imobile when properly hog-tied." -- From a label on a fire wire cable.

"Adults: 1 tablet 3 times a day until passing away." -- From instructions on a Japanese medicine bottle.

"Let's decompose and enjoy assembling!" -- Instructions for a puzzle toy made in Taiwan.

"Can't food or drink." -- On a bottle of cleaning fluid for a 3 1/2" head cleaning disk.

"Not to be used for the other use." -- On a Japanese food processor.

"Cease Fire." -- On a fire extinguisher in Calcutta, India.

"1. Lift up receiver. 2. Insert phone card. 3. Dial 0999 + number. 4. Say Hello." -- On a phone card in Japan.

"You will know radio on by enchanting green light." -- From the instructions for a Hitachi radio.

"Plug the phone jack into the wall. If the phone rings, pick it up and greet the person on the other end by saying 'Hello!' or another such greeting. Once completing your conversation, hang up the phone." -- Instructions for a telephone manufactured in Japan.

"Please be sure to keep the vents on top open. Do not bring spillables near these, like chicken soup and dust." -- Instructions, translated from Mandarin, for a computer monitor.

"Known to cure itching, colds, stomachs, brains, and other diseases." -- On a bottle of Chinese medicine.

"I can singing and dancing." -- On a toy gorilla.

"With Fresh Vegetables dayly... Just a little bit, different Tastes of a regular cook." -- Instructions on the box of a cooking device for making potato curls.

"Helps you in cooking fast, joyful beautiful sharp edged!" -- More instructions from the potato curl device box.

"Made of Safety Type, Hi-Quality Nylon Brinforced Glass" -- More instructions from the potato curl device box.

"Helps your cooking fast, joyfully with wonderfully edged strings!" -- Instructions from the potato curl device manual.

"Slices, Tine cuts, Strips, etc., made speedily and with no wastes." -- More instructions from the potato curl device manual.

"- Can Wash
- Can't soak, can't the chlorine wash
- The low temperature is very hot
- Can't the washer dry
- Can dry-clean"

-- Instructions on an article of clothing.

"Welcome to Chinese Restaurant. Please try your Nice Chinese Food with Chopsticks the traditional and typical of Chinese glorious history. and cultual." -- Instructions on a chopsticks wrapper.

"Welcome to Chinese Restaurant. Please try Your Nice Chinese Food With Chopsticks. the traditional and typical If Chinaes glorious history and culture." -- Instructions on the wrapper for the same brand of chopsticks, as rewritten months later.

"Welcome to Chinese Restaurant. Please try your Nice Chinese Food with chopsticks. the traditional and typical of Chinese glonous history and cultual." -- The same instructions, rewritten still more months later.

"Welcome to Chinese Restaurant. Please try your Nice Chinese Food With Chopsticke the traditional and trpical of Chinese glorious history and cultual." -- Another rewrite.

"Learn how to use your chopsticks Tuk under thurnb and hcld firmly Add second chcostick hold it as you hold a pencil Hold tirst chopstick in originai position move the second one up and down Now you can pick up anything:" -- Instructions for using chopsticks, on the back of the same chopsticks wrapper mentioned above.

"Add second chopstick hold it you hold a pencil. Hold first chopstick in onginial position move the second one up and down Now you can pick up anything:" -- A rewrite.

"Hold first chopstick on orginal position move its second up and down now you can pick - up anything" -- Another rewrite.

"Two little sticks
They're made out of wood
And they help you
To pick up your lunch
Your lunch
And if you practice
Then you'd get good
And you'll tind you can pick up
A bunch to munch
Eat noodles with chopsticks
Eat dumplings with chopsticks
Eat sushi with chopsticks
That's fish!
Don't eat soup with your chopsticks
That's no good with chopsticks
And jello with slide off
Your dish
I eat with chopsticks
Can you eat with chopsticks
Doctor told us
Be intell eat by using chopsticks
Lots of people use chopsticks
So try eat your chopsticks
Right Now"
-- The same brand of chopsticks, apparently giving up on prose and going for poetry instead.

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Brochures and Newspapers:

"When a passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage tootle him with vigor." -- From a brochure at a Tokyo car rental firm.

"In this real environment replicated entertainment park, you can enjoy the very things of Hongkong by just stepping your foot one step in. Here lies the amazing experience never elsewhere." -- On a brochure for an amusement park in Odaiba, Japan.

"Some people just think that Odaiba is just like a double sided magic mirror. Yes, exactly. Whatever dream you have, you may find its trace and realize it in Odaiba. Just tour through Odaiba by Free Shuttle Bus. To your surprise, you may make new friends." -- On a brochure for Odaiba, Japan.

"Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge. Swim in the lovely pool while you drink it all in." -- From a brochure.

"Let's fun." -- From a advertising paper for a local disco in Luxembourg.

"A Great Stage Where Wings of the World Gather, Flap, and Fly skyward." -- From a guide to the Narita airport.

"In case of fire, please read this." -- On a Saudi hotel's fire safety brochure.

"In the close village you can buy jolly memorials for when you pass away." -- From a tourist brochure.

"Come to Juan's Jewelry Shop. We won't screw you too much." -- On cards handed out by a man in front of a jewelry shop in Mexico.

"A new swimming pool is rapidly taking shape since the contractors have thrown in the bulk of their workers." -- From a story in an East African newspaper.

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Anglo-Centricism:

"If you understand English, press 1. If you do not understand English, press 2." -- From a recording on an Australian information line, which was set up to answer questions about the new Goods and Services Tax plan.

"If you need help in Spanish, please tell an employee 'Ayudar en Espanol' and they will get you help over the telephone." -- From a sign in an AutoZone shop.

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English Text on Food Packaging:

"Just like feeling a fruit in just season itself." -- From the packaging of a Japanese brand of orange juice.

"Black coffee has great features which other coffees have never had: Non-sugar." -- From the packaging of a Japanese brand of coffee.

"What are your priorities? Favor? Refreshment? Price? Sparkle? Sapporo Drafty has them all." -- From the packaging of a Japanese beer.

"Expiration date: 2 years." -- From the packaging of a Chinese brand of medicine.

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Product Name Translations:

"Schweppes Toilet Water." -- "Schweppes Tonic Water," as originally translated into Italian.

"Manure stick." -- "Mist Stick," a brand of curling iron, in German slang.

"Micro tender rat." -- "Microsoft Mouse," as translated into Italian on the instruction sheet for a Taiwanese Microsoft-compatible mouse.

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Advertising Slogans:

"Eat your fingers off." -- "Finger lickin' good," as originally translated into Chinese.

"Are you lactating?" -- "Got milk?" as originally translated into Spanish for advertising in Mexico.

"Fly naked." -- "Fly in leather," as originally translated into Spanish for advertising of American Airlines' leather first class seats.

"I saw the potato." -- "I saw the Pope," as translated into Spanish. The slogan was used on promotional T-Shirts for the Pope's visit to Miami.

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From Foreign Menus:

"Our wines leave you nothing to hope for." -- From a menu in Switzerland.

"Savour best match of the mysterious sauces." -- From a menu in Japan.

"Modernly arranged miscellaneous European Flavors." -- From a menu in Japan.

"Vietnam bird salad, mixed Chimaki and asian corses." -- From a menu in Japan.

"Seasonal ingredients specially pre-pared and directly imported from their place of origination." -- From a menu in Japan.

"Cold shredded children and sea blubber in spicy sauce." -- From a menu in China.

"Jam and Cheese Sandwich." -- From a menu in Costa Rica.

"Pastry Chef." -- From a menu in Costa Rica.

"Waffies." -- From a menu in Thailand.

"Children soup." -- From a menu in India.

"Deep Fried Fingers of my Lady." -- From a menu in India.

"Grilled lamp ribs." -- From a menu in Barcelona.

"Vegitational beef soap." -- From a menu in Brazil.

"Pork with fresh garbage." -- From a menu in Vietnam.

"Limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger." -- From a menu in Poland.

"French fried ships." -- From a menu in Cairo.

"Fried friendship." -- From a menu in Nepal.

"Fried fishermen." -- From a menu in Japan.

"Friend eggs." -- From a menu in Laos.

"Gordon blue." -- From a menu in a Korean hotel.

"Cram Chowder." -- From a Chinese buffet in Canada.

"Rather burnt land slug." -- On a menu in Thailand.

"Chessburger." -- On a menu in Poland.

"Hod dok." -- On a menu in Poland.

"Turkey meat, salad, and sos." -- A creative spelling of "sauce" on a menu in Poland.

"Roat poik." -- From a menu in a Chinese Restaurant in the United States.

"Ckicken Velvet and Ckicken Noddle." -- The soups of the day listing, from a menu in a Chinese Restaurant in the United States.

"Ha Ha Fortune Cookies." -- From a menu in a Chinese Restaurant in the United States.

"Sweat from the trolley." -- From a menu in Europe.

"Salad a firm's own make." -- From a menu in Poland.

"Dreaded veal cutlet with potatoes in cream." -- From a menu in China.

"Strawberry crap." -- From a menu in Japan.

"Beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion." -- From a menu in Poland.

"Buttered saucepans and fried hormones." -- From a menu in Japan.

"Indonesian Nazi Goreng." -- From a menu in Hong Kong.

"Muscles Of Marines/Lobster Thermos." -- From a menu in Cairo.

"Toes with butter and jam." -- From a menu in Bali.

"Teppan Yaki - Before Your Cooked Right Eyes." -- From a menu in Japan.

"Soon Go Fatt" -- The name of a Chinese Restaurant in Kuala Lumpur.

"Hamanegs." -- From many menus in Slovakia.

"Guinea-Pig Breast." -- From a menu in Slovakia.

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Learning English

"Are you finished? No, I'm Swedish." -- From a "Learn English" tape in Finland.

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English-As-A-Second-Language Placement Test Essay Quotations

"If you seat down and wash TV all time, you get fat."

"I hate to see people sad or angry because you only get one life so why waste it on retarted stuff."

"We could talk, eat snakes and laugh."

"Sometimes television's programation has bad bad quality of programs."

"In conclusion, television affects my life by not getting a part-time job in the afternoon."

"In the 18th century, there weren't many television programs designed for children."

"New Mexico are my best experience or best times I never had."

"Travel is an activity that makes me feel another person."

"I felt the happiest woman on Earth at the time."

"T.V. could be bad too because you could go more blinder."

"I recently gave birth to a gorgeous and healthy five-month-old baby girl."

"If not for the cell phones, we would still not know where we are at."

"Just feeling the cool breeze going through my face."

"A world without television is a world without knowing, and without television there would be no famous people."

"I came to the conclusion that apart from myself, I don't have any talents."

"On top of her, I have a pretty big family."

"Anyone can laugh at a good joke or enjoy watching a friend trip."

"When I'm in my nursing home and some detestable scoundrel dares to steal my pudding, you know I'll be willing to throw down."

"Cell phones evolutionated the industry of communication."

"The calming crash of the waves against the rocks screamed serenity."


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Quotations:

"Equal goes it loose." -- German President, translating "It will soon begin" into English.

"When a mountain forming granite, lava is what?" -- Question on an exam written by an eastern Indian instructor.

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Movie Titles:

"The Big Liar" -- "Nixon" in Hong Kong.

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English Subtitles In Hong Kong Films:

"I threat you! I challenge you meet me on the roof tonight for a duet!" -- The Iceman Cometh

"I will kill you until you are dead from it!"

"You will not happy ending!" -- The Kung Fu Cult Master

"He is jealousing!" -- Dr. Wai and the Scripture Without Words

"I'll fire aimlessly if you don't come out!" -- Pom Pom and Hot Hot

"You are too useless. And now I must beat you."

"Gun wounds again?" -- Rich and Famous

"A normal person wouldn't steal pituitaries." -- Brain Theft

"Who gave you the nerve to get killed here?" -- Armour of God

"Quiet or I'll blow your throat up." -- On the Run
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