Movie Theaters:
"Are Saving Private Ryan and Private Ryan two different films?" -- Asked of a moviegoer, referring to the theater's marquee, that displayed abbreviated film titles due to a lack of letters.
"For The Lion King, you have shows at 11:45 and at 12:15. Does that mean it's a half-hour long?" -- Asked by a customer of a multiplex.
"Can I still have a ticket? I'll find a seat." -- Asked by a customer after being told a particular showing of a movie was sold out.
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Video Stores:
"Do you sell butter dishes? Why not?" -- Asked by a customer.
"Diapers! I need diapers!" -- Demanded by a customer, gesturing angrily and waving his arms around.
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Shopping:
"I need blades for this." -- Woman, holding up a belt sander.
"Do you carry blades that can go over rocks?" -- Woman, buying her third lawn mower blade in two weeks.
"Do you have wheels?" -- Customer who, when questioned as to what type of wheels, replied, "You know! Wheels!"
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Transportation:
"What time does the 7 o'clock ferry leave?"
"We might be late because of bad weather. If we are, would you hold the ship until we get there?" -- A man on the phone with a ferry service.
"It depends. Are you coming from the north or south?" -- A man, when asked if one should turn east or west after getting off the freeway.
"Horizon proudly donates a portion of the proceeds from our complimentary in-flight service to the preservation of Glacier National Park." -- A flight attendant, describing Horizon Airline's complimentary beverage and snack service.
"Are you going by bus?" -- Asked by a bus driver, when asked to let a passenger know when they got to Masson Street.
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Dictated To Staff Members of a Typing Pool:
"According to witnesses, he suddenly struck the victim with a clenched face."
"He walks up and down stairs, holding onto mother's hand one foot at a time."
"Mother reported a gunshot wound to the derriere, apparently grazing the ear with subsequent hearing loss."
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Questions:
"When I press on my brakes, the car doesn't stop. Do you think this is something I should have fixed?" -- Asked of a worker at an auto repair shop.
"If you record silence on a tape and then play it back with the volume all the way up, will that drown out the noise in the room?" -- Asked by a woman of her boyfriend at the time.
"How do I tell the difference between the big staples and the little staples?" -- Asked of a fellow office worker.
"The Renaissance was during the 1920's, right?" -- Asked of a high school student by another.
"Where do you think water comes from? The SKY?" -- From an overheard argument about water conservation.
"Do you want specific information in general or what?" -- From an overheard conversation between two managers.
"I wasn't able to tape Oprah. Could I possibly come down there and watch it?" -- Asked of a local television station.
"What day is New Year's again?"
"How much is that $10 watch?"
"Oh, honey, here's a watch store -- maybe they have it. Do you have any toe rings?"
"Glenn Miller? Didn't he die in a car crash flying to France?"
"I hate stereotypes. We Canadians don't really talk like that, eh?"
"Where's the kosher pork?" -- Asked of a worker at a grocery store.
"Is Scott there?" -- Scott, asking for his friend Jim.
"Isn't it funny how Thanksgiving lands on a Thursday every year?" -- Woman, overheard in a diner.
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Answers:
"No, just a driver's license." -- Woman, when asked if she had a photo ID.
"Debit. I wanna CHARGE it!" -- A customer of a department store, after being asked, "Debit or credit?"
"A turtle!" / "An elephant!" / "Sheep!" -- Answers to the question "Can anyone name a non-violent predator?" asked by a teacher.
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Signs and Notices:
"How To Repair Your VCR." -- The title of a how-to video tape.
"Great New Taste!" and "Same Great Taste!" -- On opposite sides of a drink cooler in a grocery store.
"Watch Blow Out" -- A sign outside a jewelry store.
"Ears pierced while you wait." -- A sign in a shop.
"Free Parking ($1.50 per day)" -- A sign at a parking lot in Ocean City, Maryland.
"Please! No walking allowed without membership card." -- A sign in a mall.
"If you can't read or write, phone this number."
"Lunch and Learn Seminar: 'Who's controlling your life?' (get your manager's permission before attending)" -- The contents of a flyer for corporate seminar.
"Warning: Dangerous Area. No Trespassing Without Permission From Main Office." -- A sign outside a lumber yard in Troy, Idaho.
"Be Kind -- Please Rewind." -- A label on a DVD disc at a rental.
"We are sorry, but these toilets are out of action. Please use floor." -- A sign on a shopping center's restroom door, indicating that the restroom was closed. The sign was intended to give directions to the nearest open restroom, but the staff had forgotten to fill in the blank.
"We expect to return to normal service the soonest time possible. Please check back after that time." -- Part of an automated customer support response message that was sent when a user sent email to technical support about an issue with Hotmail.
"Shoe Rental: Adults: $2.00. Seniors and Children: $2.00." -- A sign in a bowling alley in Katy, TX.
"Hours: Sun-Thurs: 10:00 AM - Closing. Fri-Sat: 8:00 AM - Closing." -- A sign in a bowling alley in Katy, TX.
"Mon-Fri: 6:30. Sat-Sun: 7:30." -- A sign on a coffee shop in Spokane.
"Saturday: 12 noon to 12pm." -- A sign at a University Center.
"Free Juice Packet-- $0.35" -- A sign at a gas station in Orlando, Florida.
"Do not open this door when locked." -- A sign on a gym door.
"Employees Only: No Visitors Allowed." -- A sign on a factory bay door, immediately behind which is a bathroom with a sign that says, "Visitors Only."
"HIGH PRICES!!" -- A sign at a gas station called 'El Cheapo.'
"$2.99 ANY GARMENT" -- A sign in a dry cleaner in Murray, Utah, which continued, in smaller print below, "MOST GARMENTS."
"Speed Limit 5 Miles per hour" / "No vehicles beyond this point" -- Two signs on the same sign post at a camp site.
"Welcome to the Flippin Church of Christ." -- A sign outside a church in Flippin, Arkansas.
"Eyebrow Free Methodist Church." -- A sign outside a church in Eyebrow, Saskatchewan.
"Ear Piercing Pregnancy Testing" -- A sign in a local drug store that offered both ear piercing and pregnancy testing services.
"Those who use stolen credit cards will be persecuted to the fullest extent of the law."
"Please put the toys back when you are threw with them." -- A sign in a thrift store's toy section.
"Bring us your stuff and we'll sell it on ebay." -- A sign on a storage building in Berkeley, California.
"Caution! Water on road during rain." -- A road sign.
"Open dusk till dawn." -- A sign at a playground.
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Marquee Ads With Missing Letters:
"Now hiring losers." -- A marquee notice for "Hot 'n Now" fast food. The "c" in "closers" was missing.
"Idaho Pot / 10 Lb. Bag / $1.49" -- A marquee ad for an IGA.
"B O, Every Saturday Night, 6:30pm" -- A marquee ad for Bingo at an American Legion Post.
"Try our new zesty owl." -- A marquee ad at Kentucky Fried Chicken. The "b" in "bowl" was missing.
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Programs and Bulletins:
"All fiends and relatives." -- On a funeral card, referring to honorary pallbearers.
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Broadcasts:
"The telephone company is urging people to please not use the telephone unless it is absolutely necessary in order to keep the lines open for emergency personnel. We'll be right back after this break to give away a pair of Phil Collins concert tickets to caller #95." -- A Los Angeles radio DJ, shortly after the February 1990 earthquake.
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Legislator Quotes:
"Unfortunately we are not equipped with hindsight in advance."
"There comes a time to put principle aside and do what's right."
"These are not my figures I'm quoting. They're from someone who knows what he's talking about." -- A congressman, during a debate.
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Excuses:
"Sure, it's going to kill a lot of people, but they may be dying of something else anyway." -- A member of the Texas pesticide review board, on chlordane.
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Explanations:
"Because the number and quality of applicants is so high, it is impossible for us to accept any of the qualified people who would like to study at [name of university]." -- A letter rejecting an application to enroll in a graduate program in English.
"They're multi-purpose. Not only do they put the clips on, but they take them off." -- An explanation for why the Air Force bought $1000 pliers.
"In no way is it possible for a person to be in two places at the same time, especially if there is a great distance in between." -- A judge, on a defendant's alibi.
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Regulations:
"1. Resolved, by this council, that we build a new jail. 2. Resolved, that the new jail be built out of the materials of the old jail. 3. Resolved, that the old jail be used until the new jail is finished." -- Board of Councilmen, Mississippi, mid-1800s .
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Advertisements:
"Tired of the same old diet plans that don't work? Try this one!" -- On a billboard.
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Other:
"But I thought the ocean went all the way around the world!" -- A young woman, in response to an attempt to explain why Arizona doesn't have any beaches.
"That green stuff down there -- that looks like the ground!" -- A passenger on an airplane.
"What? I walked in here with all my parts, and I'm going to walk out of here with all of them, too." -- Man, when asked if he wanted an organ donor sticker on his driver's license.
"It works fine. It just doesn't heat." -- Customer, describing a broken microwave to an employee of a repair shop. Also said to this employee, this time about a broken TV, "It works great. It just won't come on."
"Honey, you tell your husband like I told mine, if you kill it, you clean it!" -- Advice one friend gave to another, who said she had spent the weekend cleaning grout.
"But it's only the bottom half that needs to be fixed." -- A teenager, to her father, after being told a flat tire would need to be replaced.
Sunday, February 28, 2010
Saturday, February 27, 2010
Spoonerisms!!
Just incase you all don't know what a "spoonerism" is, it's a common verbal blunder that involves switching the initial sound of a pair of words. The term "Spoonerism" was created in memory of Reverend William Archibald Spooner, who was notorious known for this type of error.
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Attributed to Reverend Spooner:
"It is kisstomary to cuss the bride."
(it is customary to kiss the bride)
"Those girls are sin twisters."
(those girls are twin sisters)
"Is the bean dizzy?"
(is the dean busy?)
"The Lord is a shoving leopard."
(the Lord is a loving shepard)
"When the boys come back from France, we'll have the hags flung out."
(When the boys come back from France, we'll have the flags hung out)
"Let me sew you to your sheet."
(let me show you to your sheet)
"The enemy fled quickly from the ears and sparrows."
(the enemy fled quickly from the spears and arrows)
"She joins this club over my bed doddy."
(she joins this club over my dead body!)
"The old revival hymn, 'Shall We Rather At the Giver?'"
(the old revival hymm, "shall we gather at the river?")
"There is no peace in a home where a dinner swells."
(there is no peace in a home where sinners dwell)
"I see before me tons of soil."
-- A greeting to a group of farmers; he meant to say, "sons of toil."
"We all know what it is to have a half-warmed fish inside us."
-- A statement made when he meant to say, "Half-formed wish."
...Haha, some of these were hard!!!
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Attributed to Reverend Spooner:
"It is kisstomary to cuss the bride."
(it is customary to kiss the bride)
"Those girls are sin twisters."
(those girls are twin sisters)
"Is the bean dizzy?"
(is the dean busy?)
"The Lord is a shoving leopard."
(the Lord is a loving shepard)
"When the boys come back from France, we'll have the hags flung out."
(When the boys come back from France, we'll have the flags hung out)
"Let me sew you to your sheet."
(let me show you to your sheet)
"The enemy fled quickly from the ears and sparrows."
(the enemy fled quickly from the spears and arrows)
"She joins this club over my bed doddy."
(she joins this club over my dead body!)
"The old revival hymn, 'Shall We Rather At the Giver?'"
(the old revival hymm, "shall we gather at the river?")
"There is no peace in a home where a dinner swells."
(there is no peace in a home where sinners dwell)
"I see before me tons of soil."
-- A greeting to a group of farmers; he meant to say, "sons of toil."
"We all know what it is to have a half-warmed fish inside us."
-- A statement made when he meant to say, "Half-formed wish."
...Haha, some of these were hard!!!
Friday, February 26, 2010
Restaraunts
Coupons:
"May be combined with other offers. . . . Not valid with any other offer." -- On a Papa John's coupon.
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Menus:
"Ham and Cheese - $2.50. Cheese and Ham - $2.90." -- On a menu.
"Our whipped butter is made with margarine." -- On a menu.
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Signs:
"Open seven days a week. Closed Sundays." -- On the bottom of a pizza parlor's take-out menu.
"Parking for drive-through customers only." -- A sign at a McDonald's in California.
"We are Handicapped - Friendly. For example, if you are blind, we will read the menu for you." -- A notice in a restaurant.
"Eat Here - Get Gas" -- A sign at a gas station.
"Hot drinks to take out or sit in." -- A sign on a cafe.
"You can't beat our meat!" -- A sign on a restaurant, now closed.
"Our Infamous Steaks" -- A sign at a restaurant in Raleigh, NC.
"Now Hiring / Sausage Biscuits / $1" -- A sign at a McDonald's.
"NOW HIRING / TWO FRENCH DIPS / FOR TWO DOLLARS." -- A sign at an Arby's in North Bend, Washington.
"Please consume all food on premises." -- A sign at a Souplantation restaurant.
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Quotes:
In the mood for fine dining? Browse San Diego restaurants on Discover San Diego.
"Is there chicken in your vegetarian gumbo?" -- Asked of a waitress.
"Just the chicken." -- The response a waitress gave when asked if there were any dairy products in a soup.
"Would you like cream and sugar with that?" -- Asked by a waitress when a customer specified orange juice instead of coffee as part of a breakfast meal.
"Do you want cheese on that?" -- Asked when a customer ordered a plain cheeseburger.
"You want fries with that?" -- Asked when a customer ordered an apple turnover.
"Do you want onions on that?" -- A waitress, in response to a couple ordering a milk shake and a large cola.
"Is there any meat in the veggie rolls?"
"Do you get rice with your fried rice?"
"I'm sorry, we only have six inch and foot long subs." -- A waitress, when asked for a 12 inch sub.
"Would you like to care for a cup of coffee?" -- A waitress.
"Which of these coffees did you want with cream and sugar?" -- Asked of a customer who had ordered two coffees, one with cream and sugar and one without.
"Do you want that in a bag?" -- Asked of a customer who ordered coffee to go.
"Is this for here or to go?" -- Asked of a Dairy Queen customer at a drive-through window.
"What's the difference between the 1/4 pounder and the 1/3 pounder?"
"What's the difference?" -- Asked of a waitress when asked if the customer would like breadsticks with or without cheese.
"Sir, we only have one thousand island dressing." -- A waitress, when asked for two thousand island dressings.
"How many pieces are in the eight piece chicken deal?"
"How much is the $1.99 popcorn chicken?"
"Is the honey mustard sauce sweet?"
"Is the spicy chicken just spicy or is it hot and spicy?"
"Would you like the sale price?" -- A fast food worker, asking how a customer would like to pay for his order of two special sandwiches.
"That's not an animal. It's a mammal." -- Cafeteria worker serving shrimp at a public high school.
"Does your ice cream contain dairy products?" -- A customer at the drive-through of a fast food restaurant.
"Excuse me. These ham and cheese rolls -- do they have ham in them?" -- A customer at a bakery cafe.
"Don't you guys have them 99 cent Whoppers?" -- Asked of a Taco Bell cashier.
"This is to go." -- Commonly said by customers at drive-through windows.
"I'd like a large Pepsi pizza." -- A customer ordering pizza over the phone. After saying this, the customer was heard saying to someone else with him, "Wait, Chuck, is that right?"
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Restaurant Anecdotes:
I am English and drink hot tea as opposed to coffee. My husband and I visited a fast food restaurant in America, and I asked a waitress if they had any hot tea.
Me: "Do you have hot tea?"
Her: "Well, it is not very warm...but...."
Me: "No I mean do you have hot water and a tea bag?"
Her: "Yes."
Me: "So you can make me hot tea."
Her: "Well I can put a cup of iced tea in the microwave for you."
Me: "No, just give me a cup of hot water and a tea bag, and I will make my own."
Her: "Do you want ice in the cup?"
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Once when I went to McDonald's, I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets.
"We don't have half dozen nuggets," said the teenager at the counter.
"You don't?" I replied.
"We only have six, nine, or twelve," was the reply.
"So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?"
"That's right."
So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets.
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While ordering Chinese food to be delivered, I asked, as a joke, if the deep fried gizzards were beef or pork. The lady on the other end had me wait while she looked it up, but couldn't find it. She then asked several other employees, none of whom knew.
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I overheard the following conversation at a Friendly's restaurant:
Girl: "Boy, I'm really parched."
Boy: "Yeah, I'm full too!"
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A pizza-and-sub takeout recently opened near me. When I got the menu, I decided that I would try the hamburger sub that was listed, so I called.
Me: "I'd like to place an order for pickup."
Him: "Certainly, sir. What would you like to have?"
Me: "I'd like the hamburger sub, please."
Him: "Excuse me, the HAMburger sub?"
Me: "Yes."
Him: "I'm sorry, but we don't have HAMburger."
Me: "It's right here on the menu."
Him: "We don't have HAMburger."
This went on a few times, until finally I asked for a cheeseburger sub without the cheese. He was happy to sell me that.
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I used to work at an Arby's. In the two years I worked there, the dumbest customer by far has been one that apparently never succeeded at first grade math.
Me: "That will be $12.69, please."
Him: "Ok. Here you go."
He handed me a $10 bill. Thinking that this was just a mistake, that maybe he meant to give me a $20, I said:
Me: "This is a $10 bill."
Him: "Yeah, I know."
Me: "The total is $12.69."
Him: "I gave you a 10. That's enough."
Me: "I need $2.69 more. The total is $12.69."
Him: (annoyed) "It's all there! I gave you a 10!"
Me: "No. I need $2.69 more."
Him: "I gave you a 10!"
Me: "I know. The total is $12.69! I need another $2.69!"
This situation kept on going for a good four or five minutes, when something really wrong happened. I just had him on the verge of giving me a $50 bill, when a manager changed the price to make it less than $10. After I told the customer that, he said:
Him: "Darn kids don't know how to do math these days."
I suppose the moral of the story is act dumb, even if you aren't, and rewards will follow.
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One day, this lady brought in an Arby-Q sandwich because she didn't like it and she wanted her money back. That would be fine if it weren't for the fact that my Arby's stopped selling those a month ago, and that the sandwich was black and moldy. It was one of the grossest things I have ever seen in my life.
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Me: "I'd like a small coffee shake and nothing else."
Clerk: "Anything else?"
Me: "Uh...a cup?"
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I had a craving for french fries one day, so I pulled up to the drive-thru of McDonald's.
Me: "I'd like a large french fries please."
Clerk: "Would you like fries with that?"
I got sort of confused at this one and told him no. He told me to pull ahead, so I did, and then he asked me why I was sitting there.
Clerk: "I thought you didn't want fries."
Me: "No, I ordered a large french fries."
Clerk: "Ok. Do you want fries with that?"
Since saying no the last time had gotten me nothing, I figured I'd better say yes this time.
He gave me two large fries.
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I went to a McDonald's in New York. My girlfriend and I didn't know what we wanted ahead of time, but when we got there we saw a sign for a special: "2 Big Macs, 2 large fries, and 2 drinks for $7.99."
Me: "Can I have the 2 Big Macs, 2 large fries special?"
Clerk: "Excuse me?"
Me: "Can I have the special on the sign up there?" (pointing to the sign)
Clerk: "What special?"
Me: "The 2 Big Macs special."
Clerk: "That's not a special. You just order 2 Big Macs and 2 fries and 2 drinks."
Me: "Will it cost $7.99?"
Clerk: "I don't know. Let me see."
She rung up the order, and it came to around $12.
Clerk: "That is how much it costs."
Me: "Then why does the sign say $7.99?"
Clerk: "I don't know what you are talking about."
Me: "The sign up there." (pointing to the sign again)
Clerk: "Let me get the manager."
The manager came over, and I was convinced I would be eating shortly.
Manager: "Can I help you?"
Me: "I just want to order the special that it see on the sign up there."
Manager: "There is no special at this time."
Me: "Then why does the sign say there is?"
Manager: "I don't know about that, but you can order two value meals and get the same thing."
Me: "But that will cost more than $7.99."
Manager: "That's right."
Me: "But what I want is what is on the sign up there." (pointing to the sign again)
The manager read the sign out loud, very slowly.
Manager: "The sign is wrong."
Me: "Well, if you are the manager, why don't you take it down?"
Manager: (angrily) "Excuse me?"
Me: "You are the manager, and you have signs in here that are wrong. You should take them down."
Manager: "Sir, why don't you leave my store."
Me: "What?"
Manager: "Leave my store before something happens."
Me: "What is going to happen?"
Manager: "Just get out of here."
We left, walked about five blocks to the next McDonald's. I ordered the same special without a problem.
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When I was in college, a couple of my friends and I went to a small town restaurant for a bite to eat one evening. I was in the mood for a ham and cheese omelette. Looking at the menu, there was a ham omelette listed and a cheese omelette listed, but no combination. So when the waitress came for the order, I asked about the combination.
Me: "I'd like a ham AND cheese omelette, please."
Her: "I...don't know. I'll have to ask the chef."
Me: "Uh...ok."
She left and returned a minute later.
Her: "The chef says he'll have to put eggs in it to hold it together!"
Me: (blank stare) "...Well, if he HAS to put eggs in it, that'll be ok!"
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I used to work at a Subway restaurant, and I found this happening quite often:
Me: "How can I help you?"
Customer: "I'd like a Club with everything."
So I start putting cheese on the bread.
Customer: "No cheese."
Me: "Ok."
So I start putting vegetables on the bread.
Customer: "No lettuce or pickles."
Me: "Ok."
Customer: "No olives."
Me: "Everything, right?"
Customer: "Yes."
Me: "Everything?"
Customer: "Everything."
Me: "Ok."
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Whenever I go to my local Subway, I find I constantly get either ingredients on my sub I didn't ask for, or a sub missing some ingredients I did ask for. I'm not that picky, so one day when I was in a rush I asked for a 6-inch meat-lovers with everything.
Clerk: "Do you want lettuce?"
Me: "Yeah, everything please."
Clerk: "Cheese?"
Me: "Yes, just put everything on it please."
Clerk: "Pickles?"
Me: "Yes, everything, the works, please."
This went on for every ingredient, getting more annoying with each step, until we reached the salt and pepper.
Clerk: "Salt?"
Me: (wanting to get going) "No, that's ok."
Salt goes on anyway.
Clerk: "Pepper?"
Me: "Yeah."
No pepper.
Finally the sub's rung up, and I rush out of the store. Half an hour later, start eating the sub and notice there's no meat on my meat-lover sub.
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The scene is a mostly takeout sandwich shop kind of like Subway. Your order is taken at the counter, and the sandwich is made while you watch. It is difficult for an order to get messed up unless neither party is paying attention. While I admit that from time to time I mumble, and, having been raised in the South, my drawl is not understandable by some, I generally have no trouble communicating with the vast majority of people that I speak with.
So you can imagine my surprise and consternation when, one afternoon:
Me: "I'd like a plain number three, white, end piece preferred, no cheese. And BBQ chips. To go."
Clerk: (grabs a wheat roll) "Number three?"
Me: "Yeah. Plain."
Clerk: (holding a wheat roll) "What size?"
Me: "That's on white, please. Large."
Clerk: (cutting off a small piece of the wheat roll) "Ok."
Me: "Uhhh...I want that on white. End piece if you got it. And a large."
Clerk: "Oh...yeah...sorry. What size?"
Me: "Large."
Clerk: (grabbing a white roll -- with an uncut end still attached) "Ok."
Me: "End piece is preferred."
Clerk: (cutting off a small piece from the roll which is just barely long enough to qualify for a large sandwich, resulting in two pieces of the roll: a small-sized piece and a piece that is only about half as long as the small size although it is the end piece of the original whole roll) "Hmm."
Me: "That's large, please. Large."
Clerk: "Huh?"
Me: "I want a large number three."
Clerk: "Oh...yeah...sorry." (looks at the two pieces of bread on the counter in front of him, confused) "You said you wanted an end piece?"
Me: "Yeah. End piece is OK. Not required. Picky teenage daughter."
Clerk: (horizontally slices the smaller-than-small-sized piece of white roll -- the piece that has the end on it) "Ok."
Me: "Uh. Excuse me. I want a large number three."
Clerk: "I thought you wanted the end piece."
Me: "I want a large number three. Plain. The end piece is OK, but it is not required."
Clerk: (continues to make the sandwich on the less-than-small-sized end piece) "Ok."
Me: "Uh. Excuse me again. That's a large number three, please."
Clerk: "I thought you wanted the end piece."
Me: "I want a large number three, plain. Forget about the end piece, OK?"
Clerk: "What do I do with this?"
Me: "What do you do with what?"
Clerk: "What do I do with this end piece?"
Me: "Push it aside. Get a fresh roll of white bread, OK? I want a LARGE number three."
Clerk: "Oh...yeah."
Me: "Picky teenage daughter. She has to have a large, plain sandwich."
Clerk: (cuts off a large sized piece from a fresh, whole white roll) "That's a large, right?"
Me: "Yes. Large. You got it."
Clerk: "Number three?"
Me: "Yeah. Plain."
Clerk: "What kind of cheese?"
Me: "That's plain."
Clerk: "What kind of cheese do you want on it?"
Me: "I want it plain, please."
Clerk: "What is that?"
Me: "What is what?"
Clerk: "What is plain?"
Me: "I want a large number three, plain."
Clerk: "What do you mean, plain?"
Me: "Yes, plain."
Clerk: "What do you mean, plain?"
Me: "Just a number three. Plain. Absolutely plain."
Clerk: "I dunno know what you mean."
Me: "I want a large number three, absolutely plain."
Clerk: "I don't think we have that."
Me: "You can't make a plain sandwich? I order them here all the time!"
Clerk: "What do you mean, plain? We don't have plains."
Note that, at this point, the other customers at the counter are visibly amused, one even chuckling out loud. I look at them, and get "What a moron!" looks from them, so I know it's not just me. The other clerks appear curious about why a customer is raising his voice, but they still appear unaware that anything odd is going on.
Me: "I want a LARGE number THREE, absolutely PLAIN. Can you make one of those for me?"
Clerk: (visibly irritated) "I dunno. What do you mean, plain?"
Me: "PLAIN! Nothing on it!"
Clerk: "Nothing? Just the bread?"
Me: "No. Just a plain number three. Nothing on it at all. No--"
Clerk: (interrupting) "What kind of cheese?"
Me: "No cheese at all! Plain!"
Clerk: (walks away from his station and talks to the manager) "I can't do this."
Manager: "What's wrong?"
Clerk: "He won't tell me what kind of cheese he wants."
Me: "Can I speak to a manager?"
Manager: "Is there a problem?"
Me: "I'm just trying to get a sandwich made."
Clerk: "He keeps talking about some kind of airplane or something."
Manager: "Airplane? What's his order?"
Clerk: "A large number three airplane...or plane...I dunno what he wants me to do."
Manager: "What did you order?"
Me: "I'd like a number three, plain, on white, preferrably an end piece...no cheese. BBQ potato chips. To go."
Manager: "What was the problem?"
Me: "I have no idea, but it appears from what he said to you that he doesn't know what the word 'plain' means."
Manager: "Well, we'll get you taken care of."
When I get out to the car, my wife and daughter are curious why it took so long. They are the first to hear the story but not the last.
"May be combined with other offers. . . . Not valid with any other offer." -- On a Papa John's coupon.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------Menus:
"Ham and Cheese - $2.50. Cheese and Ham - $2.90." -- On a menu.
"Our whipped butter is made with margarine." -- On a menu.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Signs:
"Open seven days a week. Closed Sundays." -- On the bottom of a pizza parlor's take-out menu.
"Parking for drive-through customers only." -- A sign at a McDonald's in California.
"We are Handicapped - Friendly. For example, if you are blind, we will read the menu for you." -- A notice in a restaurant.
"Eat Here - Get Gas" -- A sign at a gas station.
"Hot drinks to take out or sit in." -- A sign on a cafe.
"You can't beat our meat!" -- A sign on a restaurant, now closed.
"Our Infamous Steaks" -- A sign at a restaurant in Raleigh, NC.
"Now Hiring / Sausage Biscuits / $1" -- A sign at a McDonald's.
"NOW HIRING / TWO FRENCH DIPS / FOR TWO DOLLARS." -- A sign at an Arby's in North Bend, Washington.
"Please consume all food on premises." -- A sign at a Souplantation restaurant.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Quotes:
In the mood for fine dining? Browse San Diego restaurants on Discover San Diego.
"Is there chicken in your vegetarian gumbo?" -- Asked of a waitress.
"Just the chicken." -- The response a waitress gave when asked if there were any dairy products in a soup.
"Would you like cream and sugar with that?" -- Asked by a waitress when a customer specified orange juice instead of coffee as part of a breakfast meal.
"Do you want cheese on that?" -- Asked when a customer ordered a plain cheeseburger.
"You want fries with that?" -- Asked when a customer ordered an apple turnover.
"Do you want onions on that?" -- A waitress, in response to a couple ordering a milk shake and a large cola.
"Is there any meat in the veggie rolls?"
"Do you get rice with your fried rice?"
"I'm sorry, we only have six inch and foot long subs." -- A waitress, when asked for a 12 inch sub.
"Would you like to care for a cup of coffee?" -- A waitress.
"Which of these coffees did you want with cream and sugar?" -- Asked of a customer who had ordered two coffees, one with cream and sugar and one without.
"Do you want that in a bag?" -- Asked of a customer who ordered coffee to go.
"Is this for here or to go?" -- Asked of a Dairy Queen customer at a drive-through window.
"What's the difference between the 1/4 pounder and the 1/3 pounder?"
"What's the difference?" -- Asked of a waitress when asked if the customer would like breadsticks with or without cheese.
"Sir, we only have one thousand island dressing." -- A waitress, when asked for two thousand island dressings.
"How many pieces are in the eight piece chicken deal?"
"How much is the $1.99 popcorn chicken?"
"Is the honey mustard sauce sweet?"
"Is the spicy chicken just spicy or is it hot and spicy?"
"Would you like the sale price?" -- A fast food worker, asking how a customer would like to pay for his order of two special sandwiches.
"That's not an animal. It's a mammal." -- Cafeteria worker serving shrimp at a public high school.
"Does your ice cream contain dairy products?" -- A customer at the drive-through of a fast food restaurant.
"Excuse me. These ham and cheese rolls -- do they have ham in them?" -- A customer at a bakery cafe.
"Don't you guys have them 99 cent Whoppers?" -- Asked of a Taco Bell cashier.
"This is to go." -- Commonly said by customers at drive-through windows.
"I'd like a large Pepsi pizza." -- A customer ordering pizza over the phone. After saying this, the customer was heard saying to someone else with him, "Wait, Chuck, is that right?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Restaurant Anecdotes:
I am English and drink hot tea as opposed to coffee. My husband and I visited a fast food restaurant in America, and I asked a waitress if they had any hot tea.
Me: "Do you have hot tea?"
Her: "Well, it is not very warm...but...."
Me: "No I mean do you have hot water and a tea bag?"
Her: "Yes."
Me: "So you can make me hot tea."
Her: "Well I can put a cup of iced tea in the microwave for you."
Me: "No, just give me a cup of hot water and a tea bag, and I will make my own."
Her: "Do you want ice in the cup?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Once when I went to McDonald's, I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets.
"We don't have half dozen nuggets," said the teenager at the counter.
"You don't?" I replied.
"We only have six, nine, or twelve," was the reply.
"So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?"
"That's right."
So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
While ordering Chinese food to be delivered, I asked, as a joke, if the deep fried gizzards were beef or pork. The lady on the other end had me wait while she looked it up, but couldn't find it. She then asked several other employees, none of whom knew.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I overheard the following conversation at a Friendly's restaurant:
Girl: "Boy, I'm really parched."
Boy: "Yeah, I'm full too!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A pizza-and-sub takeout recently opened near me. When I got the menu, I decided that I would try the hamburger sub that was listed, so I called.
Me: "I'd like to place an order for pickup."
Him: "Certainly, sir. What would you like to have?"
Me: "I'd like the hamburger sub, please."
Him: "Excuse me, the HAMburger sub?"
Me: "Yes."
Him: "I'm sorry, but we don't have HAMburger."
Me: "It's right here on the menu."
Him: "We don't have HAMburger."
This went on a few times, until finally I asked for a cheeseburger sub without the cheese. He was happy to sell me that.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I used to work at an Arby's. In the two years I worked there, the dumbest customer by far has been one that apparently never succeeded at first grade math.
Me: "That will be $12.69, please."
Him: "Ok. Here you go."
He handed me a $10 bill. Thinking that this was just a mistake, that maybe he meant to give me a $20, I said:
Me: "This is a $10 bill."
Him: "Yeah, I know."
Me: "The total is $12.69."
Him: "I gave you a 10. That's enough."
Me: "I need $2.69 more. The total is $12.69."
Him: (annoyed) "It's all there! I gave you a 10!"
Me: "No. I need $2.69 more."
Him: "I gave you a 10!"
Me: "I know. The total is $12.69! I need another $2.69!"
This situation kept on going for a good four or five minutes, when something really wrong happened. I just had him on the verge of giving me a $50 bill, when a manager changed the price to make it less than $10. After I told the customer that, he said:
Him: "Darn kids don't know how to do math these days."
I suppose the moral of the story is act dumb, even if you aren't, and rewards will follow.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
One day, this lady brought in an Arby-Q sandwich because she didn't like it and she wanted her money back. That would be fine if it weren't for the fact that my Arby's stopped selling those a month ago, and that the sandwich was black and moldy. It was one of the grossest things I have ever seen in my life.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Me: "I'd like a small coffee shake and nothing else."
Clerk: "Anything else?"
Me: "Uh...a cup?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I had a craving for french fries one day, so I pulled up to the drive-thru of McDonald's.
Me: "I'd like a large french fries please."
Clerk: "Would you like fries with that?"
I got sort of confused at this one and told him no. He told me to pull ahead, so I did, and then he asked me why I was sitting there.
Clerk: "I thought you didn't want fries."
Me: "No, I ordered a large french fries."
Clerk: "Ok. Do you want fries with that?"
Since saying no the last time had gotten me nothing, I figured I'd better say yes this time.
He gave me two large fries.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I went to a McDonald's in New York. My girlfriend and I didn't know what we wanted ahead of time, but when we got there we saw a sign for a special: "2 Big Macs, 2 large fries, and 2 drinks for $7.99."
Me: "Can I have the 2 Big Macs, 2 large fries special?"
Clerk: "Excuse me?"
Me: "Can I have the special on the sign up there?" (pointing to the sign)
Clerk: "What special?"
Me: "The 2 Big Macs special."
Clerk: "That's not a special. You just order 2 Big Macs and 2 fries and 2 drinks."
Me: "Will it cost $7.99?"
Clerk: "I don't know. Let me see."
She rung up the order, and it came to around $12.
Clerk: "That is how much it costs."
Me: "Then why does the sign say $7.99?"
Clerk: "I don't know what you are talking about."
Me: "The sign up there." (pointing to the sign again)
Clerk: "Let me get the manager."
The manager came over, and I was convinced I would be eating shortly.
Manager: "Can I help you?"
Me: "I just want to order the special that it see on the sign up there."
Manager: "There is no special at this time."
Me: "Then why does the sign say there is?"
Manager: "I don't know about that, but you can order two value meals and get the same thing."
Me: "But that will cost more than $7.99."
Manager: "That's right."
Me: "But what I want is what is on the sign up there." (pointing to the sign again)
The manager read the sign out loud, very slowly.
Manager: "The sign is wrong."
Me: "Well, if you are the manager, why don't you take it down?"
Manager: (angrily) "Excuse me?"
Me: "You are the manager, and you have signs in here that are wrong. You should take them down."
Manager: "Sir, why don't you leave my store."
Me: "What?"
Manager: "Leave my store before something happens."
Me: "What is going to happen?"
Manager: "Just get out of here."
We left, walked about five blocks to the next McDonald's. I ordered the same special without a problem.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
When I was in college, a couple of my friends and I went to a small town restaurant for a bite to eat one evening. I was in the mood for a ham and cheese omelette. Looking at the menu, there was a ham omelette listed and a cheese omelette listed, but no combination. So when the waitress came for the order, I asked about the combination.
Me: "I'd like a ham AND cheese omelette, please."
Her: "I...don't know. I'll have to ask the chef."
Me: "Uh...ok."
She left and returned a minute later.
Her: "The chef says he'll have to put eggs in it to hold it together!"
Me: (blank stare) "...Well, if he HAS to put eggs in it, that'll be ok!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I used to work at a Subway restaurant, and I found this happening quite often:
Me: "How can I help you?"
Customer: "I'd like a Club with everything."
So I start putting cheese on the bread.
Customer: "No cheese."
Me: "Ok."
So I start putting vegetables on the bread.
Customer: "No lettuce or pickles."
Me: "Ok."
Customer: "No olives."
Me: "Everything, right?"
Customer: "Yes."
Me: "Everything?"
Customer: "Everything."
Me: "Ok."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Whenever I go to my local Subway, I find I constantly get either ingredients on my sub I didn't ask for, or a sub missing some ingredients I did ask for. I'm not that picky, so one day when I was in a rush I asked for a 6-inch meat-lovers with everything.
Clerk: "Do you want lettuce?"
Me: "Yeah, everything please."
Clerk: "Cheese?"
Me: "Yes, just put everything on it please."
Clerk: "Pickles?"
Me: "Yes, everything, the works, please."
This went on for every ingredient, getting more annoying with each step, until we reached the salt and pepper.
Clerk: "Salt?"
Me: (wanting to get going) "No, that's ok."
Salt goes on anyway.
Clerk: "Pepper?"
Me: "Yeah."
No pepper.
Finally the sub's rung up, and I rush out of the store. Half an hour later, start eating the sub and notice there's no meat on my meat-lover sub.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The scene is a mostly takeout sandwich shop kind of like Subway. Your order is taken at the counter, and the sandwich is made while you watch. It is difficult for an order to get messed up unless neither party is paying attention. While I admit that from time to time I mumble, and, having been raised in the South, my drawl is not understandable by some, I generally have no trouble communicating with the vast majority of people that I speak with.
So you can imagine my surprise and consternation when, one afternoon:
Me: "I'd like a plain number three, white, end piece preferred, no cheese. And BBQ chips. To go."
Clerk: (grabs a wheat roll) "Number three?"
Me: "Yeah. Plain."
Clerk: (holding a wheat roll) "What size?"
Me: "That's on white, please. Large."
Clerk: (cutting off a small piece of the wheat roll) "Ok."
Me: "Uhhh...I want that on white. End piece if you got it. And a large."
Clerk: "Oh...yeah...sorry. What size?"
Me: "Large."
Clerk: (grabbing a white roll -- with an uncut end still attached) "Ok."
Me: "End piece is preferred."
Clerk: (cutting off a small piece from the roll which is just barely long enough to qualify for a large sandwich, resulting in two pieces of the roll: a small-sized piece and a piece that is only about half as long as the small size although it is the end piece of the original whole roll) "Hmm."
Me: "That's large, please. Large."
Clerk: "Huh?"
Me: "I want a large number three."
Clerk: "Oh...yeah...sorry." (looks at the two pieces of bread on the counter in front of him, confused) "You said you wanted an end piece?"
Me: "Yeah. End piece is OK. Not required. Picky teenage daughter."
Clerk: (horizontally slices the smaller-than-small-sized piece of white roll -- the piece that has the end on it) "Ok."
Me: "Uh. Excuse me. I want a large number three."
Clerk: "I thought you wanted the end piece."
Me: "I want a large number three. Plain. The end piece is OK, but it is not required."
Clerk: (continues to make the sandwich on the less-than-small-sized end piece) "Ok."
Me: "Uh. Excuse me again. That's a large number three, please."
Clerk: "I thought you wanted the end piece."
Me: "I want a large number three, plain. Forget about the end piece, OK?"
Clerk: "What do I do with this?"
Me: "What do you do with what?"
Clerk: "What do I do with this end piece?"
Me: "Push it aside. Get a fresh roll of white bread, OK? I want a LARGE number three."
Clerk: "Oh...yeah."
Me: "Picky teenage daughter. She has to have a large, plain sandwich."
Clerk: (cuts off a large sized piece from a fresh, whole white roll) "That's a large, right?"
Me: "Yes. Large. You got it."
Clerk: "Number three?"
Me: "Yeah. Plain."
Clerk: "What kind of cheese?"
Me: "That's plain."
Clerk: "What kind of cheese do you want on it?"
Me: "I want it plain, please."
Clerk: "What is that?"
Me: "What is what?"
Clerk: "What is plain?"
Me: "I want a large number three, plain."
Clerk: "What do you mean, plain?"
Me: "Yes, plain."
Clerk: "What do you mean, plain?"
Me: "Just a number three. Plain. Absolutely plain."
Clerk: "I dunno know what you mean."
Me: "I want a large number three, absolutely plain."
Clerk: "I don't think we have that."
Me: "You can't make a plain sandwich? I order them here all the time!"
Clerk: "What do you mean, plain? We don't have plains."
Note that, at this point, the other customers at the counter are visibly amused, one even chuckling out loud. I look at them, and get "What a moron!" looks from them, so I know it's not just me. The other clerks appear curious about why a customer is raising his voice, but they still appear unaware that anything odd is going on.
Me: "I want a LARGE number THREE, absolutely PLAIN. Can you make one of those for me?"
Clerk: (visibly irritated) "I dunno. What do you mean, plain?"
Me: "PLAIN! Nothing on it!"
Clerk: "Nothing? Just the bread?"
Me: "No. Just a plain number three. Nothing on it at all. No--"
Clerk: (interrupting) "What kind of cheese?"
Me: "No cheese at all! Plain!"
Clerk: (walks away from his station and talks to the manager) "I can't do this."
Manager: "What's wrong?"
Clerk: "He won't tell me what kind of cheese he wants."
Me: "Can I speak to a manager?"
Manager: "Is there a problem?"
Me: "I'm just trying to get a sandwich made."
Clerk: "He keeps talking about some kind of airplane or something."
Manager: "Airplane? What's his order?"
Clerk: "A large number three airplane...or plane...I dunno what he wants me to do."
Manager: "What did you order?"
Me: "I'd like a number three, plain, on white, preferrably an end piece...no cheese. BBQ potato chips. To go."
Manager: "What was the problem?"
Me: "I have no idea, but it appears from what he said to you that he doesn't know what the word 'plain' means."
Manager: "Well, we'll get you taken care of."
When I get out to the car, my wife and daughter are curious why it took so long. They are the first to hear the story but not the last.
Thursday, February 25, 2010
News Reports
We normally expect news services to be precise and professional. It makes slip-ups all the more amusing.
-----------------------------------------
Headlines:
"Slain Doctor Worried About His Death" -- In a local paper in Canada.
"Public Inquiry To Be Launched Into Avalanche" -- A front page headline in the National Post.
"Youth Hit By Train Is Rushed To Two Hospitals" -- In a local paper.
"Nixon Beneath the Surface" -- The headline of an expose column about Richard Nixon, several days after his death.
"Golfing Immortal Dies Aged 69" -- A headline in a New Zealand paper.
"Flawless Take-Off Marred By Hitch" -- A headline in a New Zealand paper.
"Holy Mother Crushes Sacred Infant" -- In a Catholic newspaper, referring to a basketball game between two Catholic High Schools.
"Women Look Good" -- In a Canadian newspaper, referring to the women's curling team during the 1998 Winter Olympics.
"Church Plan Upsets Brothel" -- Adelaide Advertiser, October 23, 2000
"Man Died of Natural Causes" -- Wirral News Group, October 25, 2000
"Tortoises Held Hostage As Lobster War Turns Nasty" -- Independent, November 19, 2000
"Pepsi To Increase Recycled Content In Products." -- The headline of an article in Plastics news about Pepsico increasing the amount of recycled plastic in their bottles.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
News Articles:
"Although as a rider and breeder she has won countless prizes, she says she enjoys an occasional beating." -- From a New Zealand paper.
"However, things are not always as simple as they seem. Is all this precipitation being monitored? And if it is, why? And if why, then by whom? To all these questions, the answer is yes." -- From a New Zealand paper.
"The driver involved in this incident asked that her gender not be revealed." -- From a Sydney, Australia, paper.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Radio News:
"There's an overturned tractor-trailer heading north on Route 93." -- Report in a radio station's morning traffic update.
"Seasonal weather for the time of year." -- Radio weather report.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Televised Reports:
"Susan, things are washing up on the shore that have never seen the light of day in a long time." -- From a local news report on the aftereffects of 1989's Hurricane Hugo.
"The bodies could not be identified because they were found face down." -- A reporter, reporting on a story of the discovery of two bodies under a bridge in rural Missouri.
"Doctors say the longer the babies live, the better chance they'll have at surviving." -- From a local news cast.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
News Ads:
"Panda lovers were saddened to hear that the world's oldest panda passed away today. We'll give you the reason for his death tonight at nine." -- From a nightly local news ad.
"Local construction is making it hazardous to drive in some areas of our city. We'll tell you which to avoid on the way home on news tonight at 9:30." -- From a nightly local news ad on the radio.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sports Announcing:
"As Phil De Glanville said, each game is unique, and this one is no different than any other." -- Channel 4 news
"If England are going to win this match, they're going to have to score a goal." -- Grandstand, BBC1
"It's an island because it's surrounded by land. I mean water. Islands are surrounded by water, and that affects them." -- A TV commentator for America's Cup racing.
"And the name of that country really tells you exactly where these guys are from." -- A TV commentator for the 2000 Olympics opening ceremonies.
"And there's Bill Gates, the...most...famous...man in the...ah...Microsoft." -- A TV commentator for the 2000 Olympics.
"The ball is going back, Smith is chasing it, it's still going back, Smith jumps, he hits his head on the wall and it rolls off! It's rolling all the way back to the infield. This is a terrible day for the Padres!" -- A San Diego Padres announcer.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Interviews:
"How awful! Do you still have an artificial leg?" -- Simon Fanshawe, during a Metro Radio Interview, when a listener said, "My most embarrassing moment was when my artificial leg fell off at the altar on my wedding day."
"So did you see which train crashed into which train first?" -- A talk radio interviewer, questioning a 15-year old eyewitness to a head-on train collision. The answer he gave was, "No, they both ran into each other at the same time."
-----------------------------------------
Headlines:
"Slain Doctor Worried About His Death" -- In a local paper in Canada.
"Public Inquiry To Be Launched Into Avalanche" -- A front page headline in the National Post.
"Youth Hit By Train Is Rushed To Two Hospitals" -- In a local paper.
"Nixon Beneath the Surface" -- The headline of an expose column about Richard Nixon, several days after his death.
"Golfing Immortal Dies Aged 69" -- A headline in a New Zealand paper.
"Flawless Take-Off Marred By Hitch" -- A headline in a New Zealand paper.
"Holy Mother Crushes Sacred Infant" -- In a Catholic newspaper, referring to a basketball game between two Catholic High Schools.
"Women Look Good" -- In a Canadian newspaper, referring to the women's curling team during the 1998 Winter Olympics.
"Church Plan Upsets Brothel" -- Adelaide Advertiser, October 23, 2000
"Man Died of Natural Causes" -- Wirral News Group, October 25, 2000
"Tortoises Held Hostage As Lobster War Turns Nasty" -- Independent, November 19, 2000
"Pepsi To Increase Recycled Content In Products." -- The headline of an article in Plastics news about Pepsico increasing the amount of recycled plastic in their bottles.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
News Articles:
"Although as a rider and breeder she has won countless prizes, she says she enjoys an occasional beating." -- From a New Zealand paper.
"However, things are not always as simple as they seem. Is all this precipitation being monitored? And if it is, why? And if why, then by whom? To all these questions, the answer is yes." -- From a New Zealand paper.
"The driver involved in this incident asked that her gender not be revealed." -- From a Sydney, Australia, paper.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Radio News:
"There's an overturned tractor-trailer heading north on Route 93." -- Report in a radio station's morning traffic update.
"Seasonal weather for the time of year." -- Radio weather report.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Televised Reports:
"Susan, things are washing up on the shore that have never seen the light of day in a long time." -- From a local news report on the aftereffects of 1989's Hurricane Hugo.
"The bodies could not be identified because they were found face down." -- A reporter, reporting on a story of the discovery of two bodies under a bridge in rural Missouri.
"Doctors say the longer the babies live, the better chance they'll have at surviving." -- From a local news cast.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
News Ads:
"Panda lovers were saddened to hear that the world's oldest panda passed away today. We'll give you the reason for his death tonight at nine." -- From a nightly local news ad.
"Local construction is making it hazardous to drive in some areas of our city. We'll tell you which to avoid on the way home on news tonight at 9:30." -- From a nightly local news ad on the radio.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sports Announcing:
"As Phil De Glanville said, each game is unique, and this one is no different than any other." -- Channel 4 news
"If England are going to win this match, they're going to have to score a goal." -- Grandstand, BBC1
"It's an island because it's surrounded by land. I mean water. Islands are surrounded by water, and that affects them." -- A TV commentator for America's Cup racing.
"And the name of that country really tells you exactly where these guys are from." -- A TV commentator for the 2000 Olympics opening ceremonies.
"And there's Bill Gates, the...most...famous...man in the...ah...Microsoft." -- A TV commentator for the 2000 Olympics.
"The ball is going back, Smith is chasing it, it's still going back, Smith jumps, he hits his head on the wall and it rolls off! It's rolling all the way back to the infield. This is a terrible day for the Padres!" -- A San Diego Padres announcer.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Interviews:
"How awful! Do you still have an artificial leg?" -- Simon Fanshawe, during a Metro Radio Interview, when a listener said, "My most embarrassing moment was when my artificial leg fell off at the altar on my wedding day."
"So did you see which train crashed into which train first?" -- A talk radio interviewer, questioning a 15-year old eyewitness to a head-on train collision. The answer he gave was, "No, they both ran into each other at the same time."
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Classified Ads
The following are regrettably phrased classified ads that have been placed in newspapers throughout the world....
---------------------------------------------------
◦"Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel."
◦"2 female Boston Terrier puppies, 7 wks old, perfect markings, 555-1234. Leave mess."
◦"Washing machine: free to good home."
◦"Free Yorkshire Terrier. 8 yeards old. Hateful little dog."
◦"German Shepherd 85 lbs. Neutered. Speaks German. Free."
◦"Free ducks. You catch."
◦"Amana washer $100. Owned by clean bachelor who seldom washed."
◦"Snow blower for sale...only used on snowy days."
◦"2 wire mesh butchering gloves: 1 5-finger, 1 3-finger, pair: $15"
◦"Shakespeare's Pizza - Free Chopsticks"
◦"Hummels - largest selection ever. 'If it's in stock, we have it!'"
◦"Georgia peaches, California grown - 89 cents lb."
◦"Tired of working for only $9.75 per hour? We offer profit sharing and flexible hours. Starting
pay: $7 - $9 per hour."
◦"Vacation Special: have your home exterminated."
◦"Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours."
◦"Carpal Tunnel Syndrome - Free Sample!"
◦"Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast."
◦"Save regularly in our bank. You'll never reget it."
◦"This is the model home for your future. It was panned by Better Homes and Gardens."
◦"Wanted. Hunting rifle, suitable for teenagers."
◦"Christmas tag sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person."
◦"Wanted: Hair-cutter. Excellent growth potential."
◦"Wanted: Preparer of food. Must be dependable, like the food business, and be willing to get
hands dirty."
◦"Mother's helper -- peasant working conditions."
◦"Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00."
◦"Government employer looking for candidates. Criminal background required."
◦"His and hers bicycles, $25 each or both for $55."
◦"For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers."
◦"Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too."
◦"We'll move you worldwide throughout the country."
◦"Tattoos done while you wait."
◦"Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children."
◦"Stock up and save. Limit: one."
◦"For Rent: 6-room hated apartment."
◦"Wanted to buy: fishing net, must have no holes."
◦"TO LET: 4 bedroom house close to town. No poets."
◦"This house has been fully insulted."
◦"Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!"
◦"Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink."
◦"Our experienced Mom will care of your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included."
◦"Illiterate? Write today for free help."
◦"Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary."
◦"Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating."
◦"Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale."
◦"And now, the Superstore--unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience."
◦"We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00."
---------------------------------------------------
◦"Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel."
◦"2 female Boston Terrier puppies, 7 wks old, perfect markings, 555-1234. Leave mess."
◦"Washing machine: free to good home."
◦"Free Yorkshire Terrier. 8 yeards old. Hateful little dog."
◦"German Shepherd 85 lbs. Neutered. Speaks German. Free."
◦"Free ducks. You catch."
◦"Amana washer $100. Owned by clean bachelor who seldom washed."
◦"Snow blower for sale...only used on snowy days."
◦"2 wire mesh butchering gloves: 1 5-finger, 1 3-finger, pair: $15"
◦"Shakespeare's Pizza - Free Chopsticks"
◦"Hummels - largest selection ever. 'If it's in stock, we have it!'"
◦"Georgia peaches, California grown - 89 cents lb."
◦"Tired of working for only $9.75 per hour? We offer profit sharing and flexible hours. Starting
pay: $7 - $9 per hour."
◦"Vacation Special: have your home exterminated."
◦"Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours."
◦"Carpal Tunnel Syndrome - Free Sample!"
◦"Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast."
◦"Save regularly in our bank. You'll never reget it."
◦"This is the model home for your future. It was panned by Better Homes and Gardens."
◦"Wanted. Hunting rifle, suitable for teenagers."
◦"Christmas tag sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person."
◦"Wanted: Hair-cutter. Excellent growth potential."
◦"Wanted: Preparer of food. Must be dependable, like the food business, and be willing to get
hands dirty."
◦"Mother's helper -- peasant working conditions."
◦"Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00."
◦"Government employer looking for candidates. Criminal background required."
◦"His and hers bicycles, $25 each or both for $55."
◦"For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers."
◦"Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too."
◦"We'll move you worldwide throughout the country."
◦"Tattoos done while you wait."
◦"Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children."
◦"Stock up and save. Limit: one."
◦"For Rent: 6-room hated apartment."
◦"Wanted to buy: fishing net, must have no holes."
◦"TO LET: 4 bedroom house close to town. No poets."
◦"This house has been fully insulted."
◦"Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!"
◦"Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink."
◦"Our experienced Mom will care of your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included."
◦"Illiterate? Write today for free help."
◦"Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary."
◦"Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating."
◦"Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale."
◦"And now, the Superstore--unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience."
◦"We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00."
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Church Bulletins
◦"Mr. Smith is also a close relative of his brother Wilbur in the church."
◦"Thursday night - Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow."
◦"Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community."
◦"O come all ye faithful, sin in exultation."
◦"Don't let worry kill you -- let the church help."
◦"For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs."
◦"The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin
of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer."
◦"Children will be led in sinning and Bible study."
◦"This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends."
◦"This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar."
◦"There will be a baked bean supper next Sunday at 6:00 p.m. Music to follow."
◦"Life groups meet on Wednesday evening at 7:00 PM for food, fun, and fellowwhipping."
◦"Marriage: An Institution To Be Endured." -- The subject of a sermon that should have read, "An Institution To Endure."
◦"Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa."
◦"The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals."
◦"The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'"
◦"Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands."
◦"The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict."
◦"Miss Charlene Mason sang "I Will Not Pass This Way Again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation."
◦"The Rector will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing: 'Break Forth Into Joy.'"
◦"Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones."
◦"Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children."
◦"The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment, and gracious hostility."
◦"Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch."
◦"Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered."
◦"Women's S.E.W. (Stitching and Encouraging Women)"
◦"He came down and saved my soup."
-------------------------------------------
Church Anecdote:
A preacher was completing a temperance sermon: with great expression he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."
With even greater emphasis, he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."
And then, finally, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river." He sat down.
The song leader then stood very cautiously and announced with a pleasant smile, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn #365: 'Shall We Gather At the River.'"
◦"Thursday night - Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow."
◦"Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community."
◦"O come all ye faithful, sin in exultation."
◦"Don't let worry kill you -- let the church help."
◦"For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs."
◦"The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin
of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer."
◦"Children will be led in sinning and Bible study."
◦"This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends."
◦"This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar."
◦"There will be a baked bean supper next Sunday at 6:00 p.m. Music to follow."
◦"Life groups meet on Wednesday evening at 7:00 PM for food, fun, and fellowwhipping."
◦"Marriage: An Institution To Be Endured." -- The subject of a sermon that should have read, "An Institution To Endure."
◦"Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa."
◦"The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals."
◦"The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'"
◦"Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands."
◦"The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict."
◦"Miss Charlene Mason sang "I Will Not Pass This Way Again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation."
◦"The Rector will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing: 'Break Forth Into Joy.'"
◦"Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones."
◦"Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children."
◦"The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment, and gracious hostility."
◦"Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch."
◦"Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered."
◦"Women's S.E.W. (Stitching and Encouraging Women)"
◦"He came down and saved my soup."
-------------------------------------------
Church Anecdote:
A preacher was completing a temperance sermon: with great expression he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."
With even greater emphasis, he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."
And then, finally, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river." He sat down.
The song leader then stood very cautiously and announced with a pleasant smile, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn #365: 'Shall We Gather At the River.'"
Monday, February 22, 2010
Patient's Charts
You wouldn't think there were so many ways to misstate a health problem.
The following are comments from doctors as recorded on patient charts.
------------------------------------------------
Doctors' Comments On Patient Charts:
"Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year."
"On the 2nd day the knee was better and on the 3rd day it disappeared completely."
"The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1993."
"Discharge status: Alive but without permission."
"Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful."
"The patient refused an autopsy."
"The patient has no past history of suicides."
"Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital."
"Patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days."
"Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch."
"She is numb from her toes down."
"The skin was moist and dry."
"Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches."
"Patient was alert and unresponsive."
"She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce."
"I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy."
"The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead."
"Patient has two teenage children but no other abnormalities."
"Skin: Somewhat pale but present."
"Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen, and I agree."
"By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart stopped, and he was feeling better."
"The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed."
"When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room."
"Patient was released to outpatient department without dressing."
"The patient will need disposition, and therefore we will get Dr. Blank to dispose of him."
"The patient expired on the floor uneventfully."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Patients' Sign-In Complaints:
"Diarear."
"Sore trout."
The following are comments from doctors as recorded on patient charts.
------------------------------------------------
Doctors' Comments On Patient Charts:
"Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year."
"On the 2nd day the knee was better and on the 3rd day it disappeared completely."
"The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1993."
"Discharge status: Alive but without permission."
"Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful."
"The patient refused an autopsy."
"The patient has no past history of suicides."
"Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital."
"Patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days."
"Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch."
"She is numb from her toes down."
"The skin was moist and dry."
"Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches."
"Patient was alert and unresponsive."
"She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce."
"I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy."
"The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead."
"Patient has two teenage children but no other abnormalities."
"Skin: Somewhat pale but present."
"Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen, and I agree."
"By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart stopped, and he was feeling better."
"The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed."
"When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room."
"Patient was released to outpatient department without dressing."
"The patient will need disposition, and therefore we will get Dr. Blank to dispose of him."
"The patient expired on the floor uneventfully."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Patients' Sign-In Complaints:
"Diarear."
"Sore trout."
Sunday, February 21, 2010
Resume Quotations
The following quotations were taken from resumes and cover letters from all over the country. With all the work and care that goes into writing these documents, it's funny, if unfortunate, when errors slip through to the final draft....
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Resumes:
"I am very detail-oreinted."
"I have a bachelorette degree in computers."
"Graduated in the top 66% of my class."
"I worked as a Corporate Lesion."
"Served as assistant sore manager."
"Married, eight children. Prefer frequent travel."
"Objective: To have my skills and ethics challenged on a daily basis."
"Special skills: Thyping."
"Special skills: Experienced with numerous office machines and can make great lattes."
"I can play well with others."
"I have exhaustive experience in manufacturing."
"Special skills: I've got a Ph.D. in human feelings."
"My contributions on product launches were based on dreams that I had."
"I eat computers for lunch."
"I have used lots of software appilcations."
"Objection: To utilize my skills in sales."
"Experience: Watered, groomed, and fed the family dog for years."
"Previous experience: Self-employed -- a fiasco."
"I am a pit bull when it comes to analysis."
"I am the king of accounts payable reconciliation."
"Work history: Bum. Abandoned belongings and led nomadic lifestyle."
"I like slipping and sliding around behind the counter and controlling the temperature of the food."
"Reason for leaving last job: The owner gave new meaning to the word 'paranoia.' I prefer to elaborate privately."
"Reason for leaving last job: Bounty hunting was outlaw in my state."
"My ruthlessness terrorized the competition and can sometimes offend."
"I love dancing and throwing parties."
"I am quick at typing, about 25 words per minute."
"I am a rabid typist."
"Special Skills: Speak English."
"Strengths: Ability to meet deadlines while maintaining composer."
"Education: B.A. in Loberal Arts."
"Work Experience: Dealing with customers' conflicts that arouse."
"Education: College, August 1880 - May 1984."
"Experience with: LBM-compatible computers."
"Fortunately because of stress, worked in the cardiac intensive-care ward."
"Typing Speed: 756 wpm."
"Objectives: 10-year goal: Total obliteration of sales and federal income taxes and tax laws."
"Seek challenges that test my mind and body, since the two are usually inseparable."
"Personal Qualities: Outstanding worker; flexible 24 hours a day, seven days a week, 365 days a year."
"My experience in horticulture is well-rooted."
"Work History: Performed brain wave tests, 1879-1981."
"Extensive background in public accounting. I can also stand on my head!"
"I perform my job with effortless efficiency, effectiveness, efficacy, and expertise."
"Personal: Married 20 years; own a home, along with a friendly mortgage company."
"My intensity and focus are at inordinately high levels, and my ability to complete projects on time is unspeakable."
"Exposure to German for two years, but many words are inappropriate for business."
"Frequent Lecturer: Largest Audience: 1,351. Standing Ovations: 5. Number of Audience Questions: 30."
"Interests: I like to workout in my free time. I enjoy listening to music. I love to shopping in new places."
"Accomplishments: Completed 11 years of high school."
"Excellent memory; strong math aptitude; excellent memory; effective management skills; and very good at math."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Cover Letters:
"Thank you for your consideration. Hope to hear from you shorty!"
"Enclosed is a ruff draft of my resume."
"I saw your ad on the information highway, and I came to a screeching halt."
"Please disregard the attached resume -- it is terribly out of date."
"It's best for employers that I not work with people."
"Insufficient writing skills, thought processes have slowed down some. If I am not one of the best, I will look for another opportunity."
"If this resume doesn't blow your hat off, then please return it in the enclosed envelope."
"My fortune cookie said, 'Your next interview will result in a job' -- and I like your company in particular."
"You hold in your hands the resume of a truly outstanding candidate!"
"I am sicking and entry-level position."
"Here are my qualifications for you to overlook."
"I am a quick leaner, dependable, and motivated."
"I am relatively intelligent, obedient, and as loyal as a puppy."
"Note: Keep this resume on top of the stack. Use all the others to heat your house."
"I don't usually blow my own horn, but in this case, I will go right ahead and do so."
"I need just enough money to have pizza every night."
"My compensation should be at least equal to my age."
"I'm submitting my resume to spite my lack of C++ and HTML experience."
"My primary goal is to be recognized."
"Below are the top 10 reasons to hire me."
"My salary requirement is $34 per year."
"I'll need $30K to start, full medical, three weeks vacation, stock options and ideally a European sedan."
"I am superior to anyone else you could hire."
"I vow to fulfill the goals of the company as long as I live."
"Although I am seeking an accounting job, the fact that I have no actual experience in accounting may seem discouraging. However..."
"I realize that my total lack of appropriate experience may concern those considering me for employment."
"I worked here full-time there."
"I'll starve without a job but don't feel you have to give me one."
"You are privileged to receive my resume."
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Resumes:
"I am very detail-oreinted."
"I have a bachelorette degree in computers."
"Graduated in the top 66% of my class."
"I worked as a Corporate Lesion."
"Served as assistant sore manager."
"Married, eight children. Prefer frequent travel."
"Objective: To have my skills and ethics challenged on a daily basis."
"Special skills: Thyping."
"Special skills: Experienced with numerous office machines and can make great lattes."
"I can play well with others."
"I have exhaustive experience in manufacturing."
"Special skills: I've got a Ph.D. in human feelings."
"My contributions on product launches were based on dreams that I had."
"I eat computers for lunch."
"I have used lots of software appilcations."
"Objection: To utilize my skills in sales."
"Experience: Watered, groomed, and fed the family dog for years."
"Previous experience: Self-employed -- a fiasco."
"I am a pit bull when it comes to analysis."
"I am the king of accounts payable reconciliation."
"Work history: Bum. Abandoned belongings and led nomadic lifestyle."
"I like slipping and sliding around behind the counter and controlling the temperature of the food."
"Reason for leaving last job: The owner gave new meaning to the word 'paranoia.' I prefer to elaborate privately."
"Reason for leaving last job: Bounty hunting was outlaw in my state."
"My ruthlessness terrorized the competition and can sometimes offend."
"I love dancing and throwing parties."
"I am quick at typing, about 25 words per minute."
"I am a rabid typist."
"Special Skills: Speak English."
"Strengths: Ability to meet deadlines while maintaining composer."
"Education: B.A. in Loberal Arts."
"Work Experience: Dealing with customers' conflicts that arouse."
"Education: College, August 1880 - May 1984."
"Experience with: LBM-compatible computers."
"Fortunately because of stress, worked in the cardiac intensive-care ward."
"Typing Speed: 756 wpm."
"Objectives: 10-year goal: Total obliteration of sales and federal income taxes and tax laws."
"Seek challenges that test my mind and body, since the two are usually inseparable."
"Personal Qualities: Outstanding worker; flexible 24 hours a day, seven days a week, 365 days a year."
"My experience in horticulture is well-rooted."
"Work History: Performed brain wave tests, 1879-1981."
"Extensive background in public accounting. I can also stand on my head!"
"I perform my job with effortless efficiency, effectiveness, efficacy, and expertise."
"Personal: Married 20 years; own a home, along with a friendly mortgage company."
"My intensity and focus are at inordinately high levels, and my ability to complete projects on time is unspeakable."
"Exposure to German for two years, but many words are inappropriate for business."
"Frequent Lecturer: Largest Audience: 1,351. Standing Ovations: 5. Number of Audience Questions: 30."
"Interests: I like to workout in my free time. I enjoy listening to music. I love to shopping in new places."
"Accomplishments: Completed 11 years of high school."
"Excellent memory; strong math aptitude; excellent memory; effective management skills; and very good at math."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Cover Letters:
"Thank you for your consideration. Hope to hear from you shorty!"
"Enclosed is a ruff draft of my resume."
"I saw your ad on the information highway, and I came to a screeching halt."
"Please disregard the attached resume -- it is terribly out of date."
"It's best for employers that I not work with people."
"Insufficient writing skills, thought processes have slowed down some. If I am not one of the best, I will look for another opportunity."
"If this resume doesn't blow your hat off, then please return it in the enclosed envelope."
"My fortune cookie said, 'Your next interview will result in a job' -- and I like your company in particular."
"You hold in your hands the resume of a truly outstanding candidate!"
"I am sicking and entry-level position."
"Here are my qualifications for you to overlook."
"I am a quick leaner, dependable, and motivated."
"I am relatively intelligent, obedient, and as loyal as a puppy."
"Note: Keep this resume on top of the stack. Use all the others to heat your house."
"I don't usually blow my own horn, but in this case, I will go right ahead and do so."
"I need just enough money to have pizza every night."
"My compensation should be at least equal to my age."
"I'm submitting my resume to spite my lack of C++ and HTML experience."
"My primary goal is to be recognized."
"Below are the top 10 reasons to hire me."
"My salary requirement is $34 per year."
"I'll need $30K to start, full medical, three weeks vacation, stock options and ideally a European sedan."
"I am superior to anyone else you could hire."
"I vow to fulfill the goals of the company as long as I live."
"Although I am seeking an accounting job, the fact that I have no actual experience in accounting may seem discouraging. However..."
"I realize that my total lack of appropriate experience may concern those considering me for employment."
"I worked here full-time there."
"I'll starve without a job but don't feel you have to give me one."
"You are privileged to receive my resume."
Saturday, February 20, 2010
Courtroom Quotations
The following quotations are taken from official court records across the nation, showing how funny and embarrassing it is that recorders operate at all times in courts of law, so that even the slightest inadvertence is preserved for posterity.
--------------------------------------
◦Lawyer: "Was that the same nose you broke as a child?"
◦Witness: "I only have one, you know."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
◦Lawyer: "Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?"
◦Witness: "By death."
◦Lawyer: "And by whose death was it terminated?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
◦Accused, Defending His Own Case: "Did you get a good look at my face when I took your purse?"
The defendant was found guilty and sentenced to ten years in jail.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
◦Lawyer: "What is your date of birth?"
◦Witness: "July 15th."
◦Lawyer: "What year?"
◦Witness: "Every year."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
◦Lawyer: "Can you tell us what was stolen from your house?"
◦Witness: "There was a rifle that belonged to my father that was stolen from the hall closet."
◦Lawyer: "Can you identify the rifle?"
◦Witness: "Yes. There was something written on the side of it."
◦Lawyer: "And what did the writing say?"
◦Witness: "'Winchester'!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
◦Lawyer: "Can you describe what the person who attacked you looked like?"
◦Witness: "No. He was wearing a mask."
◦Lawyer: "What was he wearing under the mask?"
◦Witness: "Er...his face."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
◦Lawyer: "This myasthenia gravis -- does it affect your memory at all?"
◦Witness: "Yes."
◦Lawyer: "And in what ways does it affect your memory?"
◦Witness: "I forget."
◦Lawyer: "You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
◦Lawyer: "How old is your son, the one living with you?"
◦Witness: "Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which."
◦Lawyer: "How long has he lived with you?"
◦Witness: "Forty-five years."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
◦Lawyer: "What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?"
◦Witness: "He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'"
◦Lawyer: "And why did that upset you?"
◦Witness: "My name is Susan."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
◦Lawyer: "Sir, what is your IQ?"
◦Witness: "Well, I can see pretty well, I think."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
◦Lawyer: "Did you blow your horn or anything?"
◦Witness: "After the accident?"
◦Lawyer: "Before the accident."
◦Witness: "Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
◦Lawyer: "Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?"
◦Witness: "Yes."
◦Lawyer: "Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?"
◦Witness: "Yes, sir."
◦Lawyer: "What did she say?"
◦Witness: "'What disco am I at?'"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
◦Lawyer: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"
◦Witness: "No."
◦Lawyer: "Did you check for blood pressure?"
◦Witness: "No."
◦Lawyer: "Did you check for breathing?"
◦Witness: "No."
◦Lawyer: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"
◦Witness: "No."
◦Lawyer: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?"
◦Witness: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."
◦Lawyer: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"
◦Witness: "Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
◦Lawyer: "How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
◦Lawyer: "And you check your radar unit frequently?"
◦Officer: "Yes, I do."
◦Lawyer: "And was your radar unit functioning correctly at the time you had the plaintiff on radar?"
◦Officer: "Yes, it was malfunctioning correctly."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
◦Lawyer: "What happened then?"
◦Witness: "He told me, he says, 'I have to kill you because you can identify me.'"
◦Lawyer: "Did he kill you?"
◦Witness: "No."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
◦Lawyer: "Now sir, I'm sure you are an intelligent and honest man--"
◦Witness: "Thank you. If I weren't under oath, I'd return the compliment."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
◦Lawyer: "You were there until the time you left, is that true?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
◦Lawyer: "So you were gone until you returned?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
◦Lawyer: "The youngest son, the 20 year old, how old is he?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
◦Lawyer: "Were you alone or by yourself?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
◦Lawyer: "How long have you been a French Canadian?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
◦Witness: "He was about medium height and had a beard."
◦Lawyer: "Was this a male or a female?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
◦Lawyer: "Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?"
◦Witness: "I went to Europe, sir."
◦Lawyer: "And you took your new wife?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
◦Lawyer: "I show you Exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture."
◦Witness: "That's me."
◦Lawyer: "Were you present when that picture was taken?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
◦Lawyer: "Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
◦Lawyer: "How many times have you committed suicide?"
◦Witness: "Four times."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
◦Lawyer: "Do you have any children or anything of that kind?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
◦Lawyer: "She had three children, right?"
◦Witness: "Yes."
◦Lawyer: "How many were boys?"
◦Witness: "None."
◦Lawyer: "Were there girls?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
◦Lawyer: "You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked like, but can you describe it?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
◦Lawyer: "You say that the stairs went down to the basement?"
◦Witness: "Yes."
◦Lawyer: "And these stairs, did they go up also?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
◦Lawyer: "Have you lived in this town all your life?"
◦Witness: "Not yet."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
◦Lawyer: (realizing he was on the verge of asking a stupid question) "Your Honor, I'd like to strike the next question."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
◦Lawyer: "Do you recall approximately the time that you examined the body of Mr. Eddington at the Rose Chapel?"
◦Witness: "It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 8:30pm."
◦Lawyer: "And Mr. Eddington was dead at the time, is that correct?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
◦Lawyer: "What is your brother-in-law's name?"
◦Witness: "Borofkin."
◦Lawyer: "What's his first name?"
◦Witness: "I can't remember."
◦Lawyer: "He's been your brother-in-law for years, and you can't remember his first name?"
◦Witness: "No. I tell you, I'm too excited." (rising and pointing to his brother-in-law) "Nathan, for heaven's sake, tell them your first name!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
◦Lawyer: "Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?"
◦Witness: "No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
◦Lawyer: "What is your marital status?"
◦Witness: "Fair."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
◦Lawyer: "And who is this person you are speaking of?"
◦Witness: "My ex-widow said it.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
◦Lawyer: "Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?"
◦Witness: "All my autopsies have been performed on dead people."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
◦Lawyer: "Were you acquainted with the deceased?"
◦Witness: "Yes sir."
◦Lawyer: "Before or after he died?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
◦Lawyer: "Mrs. Jones, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?"
◦Witness: "No. This is how I dress when I go to work."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
◦The Court: "Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present information and prejudice from your minds, if you have any."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
◦Lawyer: "Did he pick the dog up by the ears?"
◦Witness: "No."
◦Lawyer: "What was he doing with the dog's ears?"
◦Witness: "Picking them up in the air."
◦Lawyer: "Where was the dog at this time?"
◦Witness: "Attached to the ears."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
◦Lawyer: "When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station?"
◦Other Lawyer: "Objection. That question should be taken out and shot."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
◦Lawyer: "And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral. Ok? What school do you go to?"
◦Witness: "Oral."
◦Lawyer: "How old are you?"
◦Witness: "Oral."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
◦Lawyer: "What is your relationship with the plaintiff?"
◦Witness: "She is my daughter."
◦Lawyer: "Was she your daughter on February 13, 1979?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
◦Lawyer: "Now, you have investigated other murders, have you not, where there was a victim?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
◦Lawyer: "Now, doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn't know anything about it until the next morning?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
◦Lawyer: "And what did he do then?"
◦Witness: "He came home, and next morning he was dead."
◦Lawyer: "So when he woke up the next morning he was dead?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
◦Lawyer: "So, after the anesthesia, when you came out of it, what did you observe with respect to your scalp?"
◦Witness: "I didn't see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital."
◦Lawyer: "It was covered?"
◦Witness: "Yes, bandaged."
◦Lawyer: "Then, later on...what did you see?"
◦Witness: "I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed and put on top of my head."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
◦Lawyer: "Could you see him from where you were standing?"
◦Witness: "I could see his head."
◦Lawyer: "And where was his head?"
◦Witness: "Just above his shoulders."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
◦Lawyer: "Do you drink when you're on duty?"
◦Witness: "I don't drink when I'm on duty, unless I come on duty drunk."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
◦Lawyer: "Any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial instead of an attempted murder trial?"
◦Witness: "The victim lived."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
◦Lawyer: "Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under the influence?"
◦Witness: "Because he was argumentary, and he couldn't pronunciate his words."
--------------------------------------
◦Lawyer: "Was that the same nose you broke as a child?"
◦Witness: "I only have one, you know."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
◦Lawyer: "Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?"
◦Witness: "By death."
◦Lawyer: "And by whose death was it terminated?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
◦Accused, Defending His Own Case: "Did you get a good look at my face when I took your purse?"
The defendant was found guilty and sentenced to ten years in jail.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
◦Lawyer: "What is your date of birth?"
◦Witness: "July 15th."
◦Lawyer: "What year?"
◦Witness: "Every year."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
◦Lawyer: "Can you tell us what was stolen from your house?"
◦Witness: "There was a rifle that belonged to my father that was stolen from the hall closet."
◦Lawyer: "Can you identify the rifle?"
◦Witness: "Yes. There was something written on the side of it."
◦Lawyer: "And what did the writing say?"
◦Witness: "'Winchester'!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
◦Lawyer: "Can you describe what the person who attacked you looked like?"
◦Witness: "No. He was wearing a mask."
◦Lawyer: "What was he wearing under the mask?"
◦Witness: "Er...his face."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
◦Lawyer: "This myasthenia gravis -- does it affect your memory at all?"
◦Witness: "Yes."
◦Lawyer: "And in what ways does it affect your memory?"
◦Witness: "I forget."
◦Lawyer: "You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
◦Lawyer: "How old is your son, the one living with you?"
◦Witness: "Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which."
◦Lawyer: "How long has he lived with you?"
◦Witness: "Forty-five years."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
◦Lawyer: "What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?"
◦Witness: "He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'"
◦Lawyer: "And why did that upset you?"
◦Witness: "My name is Susan."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
◦Lawyer: "Sir, what is your IQ?"
◦Witness: "Well, I can see pretty well, I think."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
◦Lawyer: "Did you blow your horn or anything?"
◦Witness: "After the accident?"
◦Lawyer: "Before the accident."
◦Witness: "Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
◦Lawyer: "Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?"
◦Witness: "Yes."
◦Lawyer: "Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?"
◦Witness: "Yes, sir."
◦Lawyer: "What did she say?"
◦Witness: "'What disco am I at?'"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
◦Lawyer: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"
◦Witness: "No."
◦Lawyer: "Did you check for blood pressure?"
◦Witness: "No."
◦Lawyer: "Did you check for breathing?"
◦Witness: "No."
◦Lawyer: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"
◦Witness: "No."
◦Lawyer: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?"
◦Witness: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."
◦Lawyer: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"
◦Witness: "Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
◦Lawyer: "How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
◦Lawyer: "And you check your radar unit frequently?"
◦Officer: "Yes, I do."
◦Lawyer: "And was your radar unit functioning correctly at the time you had the plaintiff on radar?"
◦Officer: "Yes, it was malfunctioning correctly."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
◦Lawyer: "What happened then?"
◦Witness: "He told me, he says, 'I have to kill you because you can identify me.'"
◦Lawyer: "Did he kill you?"
◦Witness: "No."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
◦Lawyer: "Now sir, I'm sure you are an intelligent and honest man--"
◦Witness: "Thank you. If I weren't under oath, I'd return the compliment."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
◦Lawyer: "You were there until the time you left, is that true?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
◦Lawyer: "So you were gone until you returned?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
◦Lawyer: "The youngest son, the 20 year old, how old is he?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
◦Lawyer: "Were you alone or by yourself?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
◦Lawyer: "How long have you been a French Canadian?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
◦Witness: "He was about medium height and had a beard."
◦Lawyer: "Was this a male or a female?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
◦Lawyer: "Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?"
◦Witness: "I went to Europe, sir."
◦Lawyer: "And you took your new wife?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
◦Lawyer: "I show you Exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture."
◦Witness: "That's me."
◦Lawyer: "Were you present when that picture was taken?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
◦Lawyer: "Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
◦Lawyer: "How many times have you committed suicide?"
◦Witness: "Four times."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
◦Lawyer: "Do you have any children or anything of that kind?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
◦Lawyer: "She had three children, right?"
◦Witness: "Yes."
◦Lawyer: "How many were boys?"
◦Witness: "None."
◦Lawyer: "Were there girls?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
◦Lawyer: "You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked like, but can you describe it?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
◦Lawyer: "You say that the stairs went down to the basement?"
◦Witness: "Yes."
◦Lawyer: "And these stairs, did they go up also?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
◦Lawyer: "Have you lived in this town all your life?"
◦Witness: "Not yet."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
◦Lawyer: (realizing he was on the verge of asking a stupid question) "Your Honor, I'd like to strike the next question."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
◦Lawyer: "Do you recall approximately the time that you examined the body of Mr. Eddington at the Rose Chapel?"
◦Witness: "It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 8:30pm."
◦Lawyer: "And Mr. Eddington was dead at the time, is that correct?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
◦Lawyer: "What is your brother-in-law's name?"
◦Witness: "Borofkin."
◦Lawyer: "What's his first name?"
◦Witness: "I can't remember."
◦Lawyer: "He's been your brother-in-law for years, and you can't remember his first name?"
◦Witness: "No. I tell you, I'm too excited." (rising and pointing to his brother-in-law) "Nathan, for heaven's sake, tell them your first name!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
◦Lawyer: "Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?"
◦Witness: "No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
◦Lawyer: "What is your marital status?"
◦Witness: "Fair."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
◦Lawyer: "And who is this person you are speaking of?"
◦Witness: "My ex-widow said it.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
◦Lawyer: "Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?"
◦Witness: "All my autopsies have been performed on dead people."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
◦Lawyer: "Were you acquainted with the deceased?"
◦Witness: "Yes sir."
◦Lawyer: "Before or after he died?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
◦Lawyer: "Mrs. Jones, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?"
◦Witness: "No. This is how I dress when I go to work."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
◦The Court: "Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present information and prejudice from your minds, if you have any."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
◦Lawyer: "Did he pick the dog up by the ears?"
◦Witness: "No."
◦Lawyer: "What was he doing with the dog's ears?"
◦Witness: "Picking them up in the air."
◦Lawyer: "Where was the dog at this time?"
◦Witness: "Attached to the ears."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
◦Lawyer: "When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station?"
◦Other Lawyer: "Objection. That question should be taken out and shot."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
◦Lawyer: "And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral. Ok? What school do you go to?"
◦Witness: "Oral."
◦Lawyer: "How old are you?"
◦Witness: "Oral."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
◦Lawyer: "What is your relationship with the plaintiff?"
◦Witness: "She is my daughter."
◦Lawyer: "Was she your daughter on February 13, 1979?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
◦Lawyer: "Now, you have investigated other murders, have you not, where there was a victim?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
◦Lawyer: "Now, doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn't know anything about it until the next morning?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
◦Lawyer: "And what did he do then?"
◦Witness: "He came home, and next morning he was dead."
◦Lawyer: "So when he woke up the next morning he was dead?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
◦Lawyer: "So, after the anesthesia, when you came out of it, what did you observe with respect to your scalp?"
◦Witness: "I didn't see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital."
◦Lawyer: "It was covered?"
◦Witness: "Yes, bandaged."
◦Lawyer: "Then, later on...what did you see?"
◦Witness: "I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed and put on top of my head."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
◦Lawyer: "Could you see him from where you were standing?"
◦Witness: "I could see his head."
◦Lawyer: "And where was his head?"
◦Witness: "Just above his shoulders."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
◦Lawyer: "Do you drink when you're on duty?"
◦Witness: "I don't drink when I'm on duty, unless I come on duty drunk."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
◦Lawyer: "Any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial instead of an attempted murder trial?"
◦Witness: "The victim lived."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
◦Lawyer: "Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under the influence?"
◦Witness: "Because he was argumentary, and he couldn't pronunciate his words."
Friday, February 19, 2010
Excuse Letters
The routine is familiar: when a student is late or absent from school, a letter from the parents must be supplied for the absence to be excused. Sometimes such letters suggest that the parents were excused from school too many times in their own youth...
--------------------------------------------------------------
"My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him."
"Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick, and I had her shot."
"Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33."
"Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating."
"Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip."
"John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face."
"Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins."
"Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side."
"Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels."
"Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea."
"Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust."
"Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault."
"Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday."
"Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral."
"My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired."
"Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well."
"Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps."
"Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover."
"Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor."
"Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache, and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever, and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night."
--------------------------------------------------------------
"My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him."
"Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick, and I had her shot."
"Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33."
"Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating."
"Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip."
"John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face."
"Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins."
"Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side."
"Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels."
"Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea."
"Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust."
"Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault."
"Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday."
"Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral."
"My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired."
"Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well."
"Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps."
"Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover."
"Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor."
"Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache, and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever, and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night."
Thursday, February 18, 2010
Accident Reports
Accident insurance claim forms ask for a brief statement about how the accident happened. The combination of the finger pointing instinct and the small spaces provided on the forms can lead to some curiously phrased explanations....
---------------------------------------------------------------
"A pedestrian hit me and went under my car."
"The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention."
"I had been learning to drive with power steering. I turned the wheel to what I thought was enough and found myself in a different direction going the opposite way."
"Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have."
"I thought my window was down; but found it was up when I put my hand through it."
"No one was to blame for the accident, but it never would have happened if the other driver had been alert."
"The pedestrian had no idea which direction to go, so I ran over him."
"I saw the slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car."
"I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident."
"I was taking my canary to the hospital. It got loose in the car and flew out the window. The next thing I saw was his rear end, and there was a crash."
"I was backing my car out of the driveway in the usual manner when it was struck by the other car in the same place where it had been struck several times before."
"I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows."
"I was on the way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident."
"I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him."
"I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat, I found that I had a fractured skull."
"I was unable to stop in time, and my car crashed into the other vehicle. The driver and passengers then left immediately for a vacation with injuries."
"To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian."
"The accident occurred when I was attempting to bring my car out of a skid by steering it into the other vehicle."
"When I could not avoid a collision, I stepped on the gas and crashed into the other car."
"I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way."
"In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole."
"My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle."
"As I approached the intersection, a stop sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident."
"The telephone pole was approaching fast. I was attempting to swerve out of its path when it struck my front end."
"A truck backed though my windshield and into my wife's face."
"The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him."
"An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my vehicle, and vanished."
---------------------------------------------------------------
"A pedestrian hit me and went under my car."
"The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention."
"I had been learning to drive with power steering. I turned the wheel to what I thought was enough and found myself in a different direction going the opposite way."
"Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have."
"I thought my window was down; but found it was up when I put my hand through it."
"No one was to blame for the accident, but it never would have happened if the other driver had been alert."
"The pedestrian had no idea which direction to go, so I ran over him."
"I saw the slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car."
"I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident."
"I was taking my canary to the hospital. It got loose in the car and flew out the window. The next thing I saw was his rear end, and there was a crash."
"I was backing my car out of the driveway in the usual manner when it was struck by the other car in the same place where it had been struck several times before."
"I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows."
"I was on the way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident."
"I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him."
"I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat, I found that I had a fractured skull."
"I was unable to stop in time, and my car crashed into the other vehicle. The driver and passengers then left immediately for a vacation with injuries."
"To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian."
"The accident occurred when I was attempting to bring my car out of a skid by steering it into the other vehicle."
"When I could not avoid a collision, I stepped on the gas and crashed into the other car."
"I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way."
"In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole."
"My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle."
"As I approached the intersection, a stop sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident."
"The telephone pole was approaching fast. I was attempting to swerve out of its path when it struck my front end."
"A truck backed though my windshield and into my wife's face."
"The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him."
"An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my vehicle, and vanished."
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
Warning labels...
Product Warnings:
"Do not use if you cannot see clearly to read the information in the information booklet." -- In the information booklet.
"Caution: The contents of this bottle should not be fed to fish." -- On a bottle of shampoo for dogs.
"For external use only!" -- On a curling iron.
"Warning: This product can burn eyes." -- On a curling iron.
"Do not use in shower." -- On a hair dryer.
"Do not use while sleeping." -- On a hair dryer.
"Do not place this product into any electronic equipment." -- On the case of a chocolate CD in a gift basket.
"Recycled flush water unsafe for drinking." -- On a toilet at a public sports facility in Ann Arbor, Michigan.
"Shin pads cannot protect any part of the body they do not cover." -- On a pair of shin guards made for bicyclists.
"This product not intended for use as a dental drill." -- On an electric rotary tool.
"Caution: Do not spray in eyes." -- On a container of underarm deodorant.
"Do not drive with sunshield in place." -- On a cardboard sunshield that keeps the sun off the dashboard.
"Caution: This is not a safety protective device." -- On a plastic toy helmet used as a container for popcorn.
"Do not use near fire, flame, or sparks." -- On an "Aim-n-Flame" fireplace lighter.
"Battery may explore or leak." -- On a battery.
"Do not eat toner." -- On a toner cartridge for a laser printer.
"Not intended for highway use." -- On a 13-inch wheel on a wheelbarrow.
"This product is not to be used in bathrooms." -- On a Holmes bathroom heater.
"May irritate eyes." -- On a can of self-defense pepper spray.
"Eating rocks may lead to broken teeth." -- On a novelty rock garden set called "Popcorn Rock."
"Caution! Contents hot!" -- On a Domino's Pizza box.
"Caution: Hot beverages are hot!" -- On a coffee cup.
"Caution: Shoots rubber bands." -- On a product called "Rubber Band Shooter."
"Warning: May contain small parts." -- On a frisbee.
"Do not use orally." -- On a toilet bowl cleaning brush.
"Please keep out of children." -- On a butcher knife.
"Not suitable for children aged 36 months or less." -- On a birthday card for a 1 year old.
"Do not recharge, put in backwards, or use." -- On a battery.
"Warning: Do not use on eyes." -- In the manual for a heated seat cushion.
"Do not look into laser with remaining eye." -- On a laser pointer.
"Do not use for drying pets." -- In the manual for a microwave oven.
"For use on animals only." -- On an electric cattle prod.
"For use by trained personnel only." -- On a can of air freshener.
"Keep out of reach of children and teenagers." -- On a can of air freshener.
"Remember, objects in the mirror are actually behind you." -- On a motorcycle helmet-mounted rear-view mirror.
"Warning: Riders of personal watercraft may suffer injury due to the forceful injection of water into body cavities either by falling into the water or while mounting the craft." -- In the manual for a jetski.
"Warning: Do not climb inside this bag and zip it up. Doing so will cause injury and death." -- A label inside a protective bag (for fragile objects), which measures 15cm by 15cm by 12cm.
"Do not use as ear plugs." -- On a package of silly putty.
"Please store in the cold section of the refrigerator." -- On a bag of fresh grapes in Australia.
"Warning: knives are sharp!" -- On the packaging of a sharpening stone.
"Not for weight control." -- On a pack of Breath Savers.
"Twist top off with hands. Throw top away. Do not put top in mouth." -- On the label of a bottled drink.
"Theft of this container is a crime." -- On a milk crate.
"Warning: has been found to cause cancer in laboratory mice." -- On a box of rat poison.
"Fragile. Do not drop." -- Posted on a Boeing 757.
"Cannot be made non-poisonous." -- On the back of a can of de-icing windshield fluid.
"Caution: Remove infant before folding for storage." -- On a portable stroller.
"Look before driving." -- On the dash board of a mail truck.
"Do not iron clothes on body." -- On packaging for a Rowenta iron.
"Do not drive car or operate machinery." -- On Boot's children's cough medicine.
"For indoor or outdoor use only." -- On a string of Christmas lights.
"Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." -- On a child sized Superman costume.
"This door is alarmed from 7:00pm - 7:00am." -- On a hospital's outside access door.
"Beware! To touch these wires is instant death. Anyone found doing so will be prosecuted." -- On a sign at a railroad station.
"Product will be hot after heating." -- On a supermarket dessert box.
"Do not turn upside down." -- On the bottom of a supermarket dessert box.
"Do not light in face. Do not expose to flame." -- On a lighter.
"Choking hazard: This toy is a small ball." -- On the label for a cheap rubber ball toy.
"Not for human consumption." -- On a package of dice.
"May be harmful if swallowed." -- On a shipment of hammers.
"Using Ingenio cookware to destroy your old pots may void your warranty." -- A printed message that appears in a television advertisement when the presenter demonstrates how strong the cookware is by using it to beat up and destroy a regular frying pan.
"Do not attempt to stop the blade with your hand." -- In the manual for a Swedish chainsaw.
"Do not dangle the mouse by its cable or throw the mouse at co-workers." -- From a manual for an SGI computer.
"Warning: May contain nuts." -- On a package of peanuts.
"Do not eat." -- On a slip of paper in a stereo box, referring to the styrofoam packing.
"Do not eat if seal is missing." -- On said seal.
"Remove occupants from the stroller before folding it."
"Access hole only -- not intended for use in lifting box." -- On the sides of a shipping carton, just above cut-out openings which one would assume were handholds.
"Warning: May cause drowsiness." -- On a bottle of Nytol, a brand of sleeping pills.
"Warning: Misuse may cause injury or death." -- Stamped on the metal barrel of a .22 calibre rifle.
"Turn off motor before using this product." -- On the packaging for a chain saw file, used to sharpen the cutting teeth on the chain.
"Not to be used as a personal flotation device." -- On a 6x10 inch inflatable picture frame.
"Do not put in mouth." -- On a box of bottle rockets.
"Remove plastic before eating." -- On the wrapper of a Fruit Roll-Up snack.
"Not dishwasher safe." -- On a remote control for a TV.
"For lifting purposes only." -- On the box for a car jack.
"Do not put lit candles on phone." -- On the instructions for a cordless phone.
"Warning! This is not underwear! Do not attempt to put in pants." -- On the packaging for a wristwatch.
"Do not use if you cannot see clearly to read the information in the information booklet." -- In the information booklet.
"Caution: The contents of this bottle should not be fed to fish." -- On a bottle of shampoo for dogs.
"For external use only!" -- On a curling iron.
"Warning: This product can burn eyes." -- On a curling iron.
"Do not use in shower." -- On a hair dryer.
"Do not use while sleeping." -- On a hair dryer.
"Do not place this product into any electronic equipment." -- On the case of a chocolate CD in a gift basket.
"Recycled flush water unsafe for drinking." -- On a toilet at a public sports facility in Ann Arbor, Michigan.
"Shin pads cannot protect any part of the body they do not cover." -- On a pair of shin guards made for bicyclists.
"This product not intended for use as a dental drill." -- On an electric rotary tool.
"Caution: Do not spray in eyes." -- On a container of underarm deodorant.
"Do not drive with sunshield in place." -- On a cardboard sunshield that keeps the sun off the dashboard.
"Caution: This is not a safety protective device." -- On a plastic toy helmet used as a container for popcorn.
"Do not use near fire, flame, or sparks." -- On an "Aim-n-Flame" fireplace lighter.
"Battery may explore or leak." -- On a battery.
"Do not eat toner." -- On a toner cartridge for a laser printer.
"Not intended for highway use." -- On a 13-inch wheel on a wheelbarrow.
"This product is not to be used in bathrooms." -- On a Holmes bathroom heater.
"May irritate eyes." -- On a can of self-defense pepper spray.
"Eating rocks may lead to broken teeth." -- On a novelty rock garden set called "Popcorn Rock."
"Caution! Contents hot!" -- On a Domino's Pizza box.
"Caution: Hot beverages are hot!" -- On a coffee cup.
"Caution: Shoots rubber bands." -- On a product called "Rubber Band Shooter."
"Warning: May contain small parts." -- On a frisbee.
"Do not use orally." -- On a toilet bowl cleaning brush.
"Please keep out of children." -- On a butcher knife.
"Not suitable for children aged 36 months or less." -- On a birthday card for a 1 year old.
"Do not recharge, put in backwards, or use." -- On a battery.
"Warning: Do not use on eyes." -- In the manual for a heated seat cushion.
"Do not look into laser with remaining eye." -- On a laser pointer.
"Do not use for drying pets." -- In the manual for a microwave oven.
"For use on animals only." -- On an electric cattle prod.
"For use by trained personnel only." -- On a can of air freshener.
"Keep out of reach of children and teenagers." -- On a can of air freshener.
"Remember, objects in the mirror are actually behind you." -- On a motorcycle helmet-mounted rear-view mirror.
"Warning: Riders of personal watercraft may suffer injury due to the forceful injection of water into body cavities either by falling into the water or while mounting the craft." -- In the manual for a jetski.
"Warning: Do not climb inside this bag and zip it up. Doing so will cause injury and death." -- A label inside a protective bag (for fragile objects), which measures 15cm by 15cm by 12cm.
"Do not use as ear plugs." -- On a package of silly putty.
"Please store in the cold section of the refrigerator." -- On a bag of fresh grapes in Australia.
"Warning: knives are sharp!" -- On the packaging of a sharpening stone.
"Not for weight control." -- On a pack of Breath Savers.
"Twist top off with hands. Throw top away. Do not put top in mouth." -- On the label of a bottled drink.
"Theft of this container is a crime." -- On a milk crate.
"Warning: has been found to cause cancer in laboratory mice." -- On a box of rat poison.
"Fragile. Do not drop." -- Posted on a Boeing 757.
"Cannot be made non-poisonous." -- On the back of a can of de-icing windshield fluid.
"Caution: Remove infant before folding for storage." -- On a portable stroller.
"Look before driving." -- On the dash board of a mail truck.
"Do not iron clothes on body." -- On packaging for a Rowenta iron.
"Do not drive car or operate machinery." -- On Boot's children's cough medicine.
"For indoor or outdoor use only." -- On a string of Christmas lights.
"Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." -- On a child sized Superman costume.
"This door is alarmed from 7:00pm - 7:00am." -- On a hospital's outside access door.
"Beware! To touch these wires is instant death. Anyone found doing so will be prosecuted." -- On a sign at a railroad station.
"Product will be hot after heating." -- On a supermarket dessert box.
"Do not turn upside down." -- On the bottom of a supermarket dessert box.
"Do not light in face. Do not expose to flame." -- On a lighter.
"Choking hazard: This toy is a small ball." -- On the label for a cheap rubber ball toy.
"Not for human consumption." -- On a package of dice.
"May be harmful if swallowed." -- On a shipment of hammers.
"Using Ingenio cookware to destroy your old pots may void your warranty." -- A printed message that appears in a television advertisement when the presenter demonstrates how strong the cookware is by using it to beat up and destroy a regular frying pan.
"Do not attempt to stop the blade with your hand." -- In the manual for a Swedish chainsaw.
"Do not dangle the mouse by its cable or throw the mouse at co-workers." -- From a manual for an SGI computer.
"Warning: May contain nuts." -- On a package of peanuts.
"Do not eat." -- On a slip of paper in a stereo box, referring to the styrofoam packing.
"Do not eat if seal is missing." -- On said seal.
"Remove occupants from the stroller before folding it."
"Access hole only -- not intended for use in lifting box." -- On the sides of a shipping carton, just above cut-out openings which one would assume were handholds.
"Warning: May cause drowsiness." -- On a bottle of Nytol, a brand of sleeping pills.
"Warning: Misuse may cause injury or death." -- Stamped on the metal barrel of a .22 calibre rifle.
"Turn off motor before using this product." -- On the packaging for a chain saw file, used to sharpen the cutting teeth on the chain.
"Not to be used as a personal flotation device." -- On a 6x10 inch inflatable picture frame.
"Do not put in mouth." -- On a box of bottle rockets.
"Remove plastic before eating." -- On the wrapper of a Fruit Roll-Up snack.
"Not dishwasher safe." -- On a remote control for a TV.
"For lifting purposes only." -- On the box for a car jack.
"Do not put lit candles on phone." -- On the instructions for a cordless phone.
"Warning! This is not underwear! Do not attempt to put in pants." -- On the packaging for a wristwatch.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Assurances:
"Safe for use around pets." -- On a box of Arm & Hammer Cat Litter.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Small Print From Commercials:
"Do not use house paint on face." -- In a Visa commercial that depicts an expecting couple looking for paint at a hardware store.
"Do not drive cars in ocean." -- In a car commercial which shows a car in the ocean.
"Always drive on roads. Not on people." -- From a car commercial which shows a vehicle "body-surfing" at a concert.
"For a limited time only." -- From a Rally's commercial that described how their burgers were fresh.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Signs and Notices:
"No stopping or standing." -- A sign at bus stops everywhere.
"Do not sit under coconut trees." -- A sign on a coconut palm in a West Palm Beach park circa 1950.
"These rows reserved for parents with children." -- A sign in a church.
"All cups leaving this store, rather full or empty, must be paid for." -- A sign in a Cumberland Farms in Hillsboro, New Hampshire.
"Malfunction: Too less water." -- A notice left on a coffee machine.
"Prescriptions cannot be filled by phone." -- On a form in a clinic.
"You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside." -- On a bag of Fritos.
"Fits one head." -- On a hotel-provided shower cap box.
"Payment is due by the due date." -- On a credit card statement.
"No small children." -- On a laundromat triple washer.
"Warning: Ramp Ends In Stairs." -- A sign, correctly describing the end of a concrete ramp intended for handicap access to a bridge.
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Safety Procedures:
"Take care: new non-slip surface." -- On a sign in front of a newly renovated ramp that led to the entrance of a building.
"In case of flood, proceed uphill. In case of flash flood, proceed uphill quickly." -- One of the emergency safety procedures at a summer camp.
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Ingredients:
"Ingredients: Artificially bleached flour, sugar, vegetable fat, yeast, salt, gluten, soya flour, emulsifier 472 (E) & 481, flour treatment agents, enzymes, water. May contain: fruit." -- The ingredients list on a package of fruit buns.
"100% pure yarn." -- On a sweater.
"Some materials may irritate sensitive skin. Please look at the materials if you believe this may be the case.
Materials:
Covering: 100% Unknown.
Stuffing: 100% Unknown."
-- On a pillow.
"Cleans and refreshes without soap or water. Contains: Water, fragrance & soap." -- On the packet for a moist towelette.
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Instructions:
"Remove the plastic wrapper." -- The first instruction on a bag of microwave popcorn; to see the instructions, one first has to remove the plastic wrapper and unfold the pouch.
"Take one capsule by mouth three times daily until gone." -- On a box of pills.
"Open packet. Eat contents." -- Instructions on a packet of airline peanuts.
"Remove wrapper, open mouth, insert muffin, eat." -- Instructions on the packaging for a muffin at a 7-11.
"Use like regular soap." -- On a bar of Dial soap.
"Instructions: usage known." -- Instructions on a can of black pepper.
"Serving suggestion: Defrost." -- On a Swann frozen dinner.
"Simply pour the biscuits into a bowl and allow the cat to eat when it wants." -- On a bag of cat biscuits.
"In order to get out of car, open door, get out, lock doors, and then close doors." -- In a car manual.
"Please include the proper portion of your bill." -- On the envelope for an auto insurance bill.
"The appliance is switched on by setting the on/off switch to the 'on' position." -- Instructions for an espresso kettle.
"For heat-retaining corrugated cardboard technology to function properly, close lid." -- On a Domino's sandwich box.
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Requirements:
"Optional modem required." -- On a computer software package.
Set your course in My promises
Come away My beloved...Francine J Roberts
~~~~~~~~~~~~
...Be not afraid. I will not allow your adversaries to swallow you up. You are My child; I will deliver you, honor you and be glorified through you. Because of My faithfulness to you, even your enemies will recognize My power. I will keep you in sickness, and in death I will be your sure comfort. I will walk with you through the valley, and you will fear no shadow. Hold to My promises. They are given to you as a chart is given to a ship, and a compass to the hunter. You may set your course and find your way by My promises. They will lead you and guide you in places where there is no trodden path. They will give you direction and wisdom and will open up your own understanding.
...Study My Word, the bible. It abouts with nuggets of courage. It will strengthen you and help you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~
...Be not afraid. I will not allow your adversaries to swallow you up. You are My child; I will deliver you, honor you and be glorified through you. Because of My faithfulness to you, even your enemies will recognize My power. I will keep you in sickness, and in death I will be your sure comfort. I will walk with you through the valley, and you will fear no shadow. Hold to My promises. They are given to you as a chart is given to a ship, and a compass to the hunter. You may set your course and find your way by My promises. They will lead you and guide you in places where there is no trodden path. They will give you direction and wisdom and will open up your own understanding.
...Study My Word, the bible. It abouts with nuggets of courage. It will strengthen you and help you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
Chocolate Covered Espresso Beans
Lately, I've been enjoying chocolate covered espresso beans. Who would have ever thought those nasty little black beans would taste so yummy when covered with chocolate?!? And I don't even like coffee--let alone the beans. My dad introduced me to them about 3 weeks ago, and ever since then...yummmo. :-) The problem is, these little suckers are $4-$7 a pound! And yes...there are a lot of beans in a pound. (3250 beans, to be exact) but still! It's the principle!! Those things are itty bity teenie tiny...I don't want to spend $5 on something that'll be gone in a few measly days.I know I could save money, and yet still enjoy this delicacy if I made them myself...
Thus....I have decided to attempt to make my own. I wanted to share the recipe with my fellow blog readers. I will let you know, how they turn out, after I make them!
~CHOCOLATE COVERED ESPRESSO/COFFEE BEANS~
1 cup of espresso beans or coffee beans
1 1/2 cup of choco chips, choco chunks, or choco candies
Melt the chocolate...don't let it burn.
Stir in the beans and then lay on wax paper.
spread them out, so that they don't touch eachother.
let harden overnight--or if in a hurry, freeze them for an hour.
Then...enjoy!!
Sounds easy enough, right?
On the waters of sorrow
Come away my beloved...Frances J. Roberts~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
...O, My child, I am coming to you walking on the waters of the sorrows of your life; yes, above the sounds of the storm you shall hear My voice call your name.
...You are never alone, for I am at your right hand. Never despair, for I am watching over and caring for you. Be not anxious. What seems to you to be at present a difficult situation is all part of My planning, and I am working out the details of circumstances so that I may bless you and reveal Myself to you in a new way.
...As I have opened your eyes to see, so shall I open your ears to hear, and you shall come to know Me even as Moses did, yes, in a face-to-face relationship. For I will remove the veil that separates Me from you, and you will know Me as your dearest Friend and as your truest Comforter.
...No darkness will hide the shining of My face, for I shall be to you as a bright star in the night sky. Never let your faith waver. Reach out your hand, and you shall touch the hem of My garment.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Guidance
Come away my beloved...Francine J. Roberts
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
...My child, hear My voice, and give no heed to the voice of the stranger. My paths are straight, and they are narrow, but you shall have no difficulty in finding them if you watch Me. I am guiding you. You need not look to people for direction. You may learn much by fellowship with the saints, but never allow any to take the role that is rightfully Mine--to direct your steps.
...Trust Me to do it, and give Me the time and the opportunity to do it. Be not hasty, and lean not upon your own intelligence.
...Rest in Me. I shall bring to pass My perfect will in your life as you believe and live in faith.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
...My child, hear My voice, and give no heed to the voice of the stranger. My paths are straight, and they are narrow, but you shall have no difficulty in finding them if you watch Me. I am guiding you. You need not look to people for direction. You may learn much by fellowship with the saints, but never allow any to take the role that is rightfully Mine--to direct your steps.
...Trust Me to do it, and give Me the time and the opportunity to do it. Be not hasty, and lean not upon your own intelligence.
...Rest in Me. I shall bring to pass My perfect will in your life as you believe and live in faith.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
Sincerity
Come away my Beloved...Francine J. Roberts
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
...Marvel not that I have said you must be born anew. Of the flesh, nothing that is spiritual can ever be produced. Spiritual life will produce that which is spiritual; and likewise, carnal flesh will produce only more carnality.
...Without holiness, no one shall see God. In other words, "Without a tender heart and sensitive, attentive spirit, no one shall see God," for without these, no true holiness will ever be attained.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
...Marvel not that I have said you must be born anew. Of the flesh, nothing that is spiritual can ever be produced. Spiritual life will produce that which is spiritual; and likewise, carnal flesh will produce only more carnality.
...Without holiness, no one shall see God. In other words, "Without a tender heart and sensitive, attentive spirit, no one shall see God," for without these, no true holiness will ever be attained.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Faith and Action
Come away my Beloved by Francine J. Roberts
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
...My promises are of no avail to you except as you apply and appropriate them by faith. In your daily walk, you shall be victorious only to the degree that you trust Me. I can help you only as you ask. I will meet you at every point where you put action alongside your prayers. Only as you walk will the waters of adversity be parted before you. Overburdened as the world is with trouble and sickness, I need those who have proved My sufficiency in everyday, personal experience to lead the suffering to the fountains of life. I need those who have found Me as burden-bearer to help bring deliverance to the oppressed.
...Never begrudge time given to chronic complainers, but recognize in each encounter the opportunity to speak a word that may lead to their liberation. No case is too hard for Me. Never be taken by surprise when I use you to change a pattern. Do not judge a man by what he appears to be, but see him as what he can be if he gives himself unreservedly to Me.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
...My promises are of no avail to you except as you apply and appropriate them by faith. In your daily walk, you shall be victorious only to the degree that you trust Me. I can help you only as you ask. I will meet you at every point where you put action alongside your prayers. Only as you walk will the waters of adversity be parted before you. Overburdened as the world is with trouble and sickness, I need those who have proved My sufficiency in everyday, personal experience to lead the suffering to the fountains of life. I need those who have found Me as burden-bearer to help bring deliverance to the oppressed.
...Never begrudge time given to chronic complainers, but recognize in each encounter the opportunity to speak a word that may lead to their liberation. No case is too hard for Me. Never be taken by surprise when I use you to change a pattern. Do not judge a man by what he appears to be, but see him as what he can be if he gives himself unreservedly to Me.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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