Ancedotes of Stupidity

In general public, you can't hide from stupidity....

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At the fish hatchery where I work, we have a small display that describes the now-extinct Michigan Grayling (a kind of fish). This summer, I had the following conversation with a tourist:


Tourist: "Is the Grayling still extinct?"
Me: "Yes sir, it doesn't exist anymore."
Tourist: "Any thoughts of bringing it back?"
Me: "No, I don't think that's possible."
Tourist: "Why not?"
Me: "Because it's extinct."
Tourist: "Still?"
Me: "Yes."
Frustrated, he left.

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I was checking out at the local Foodland with just a few items, and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those dividers that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the divider and looked all over it for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code she said to me, "Do you know how much this is?"

I said, "I've changed my mind; I don't think I'll buy that today."

She said, "OK," and I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue about what had just happened.

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Overheard at a movie theater snack bar:


Customer: "I'll have a large popcorn."
Clerk: "Sorry, our popper is broken. How about a hotdog?"
Customer: "Ok, I'll have a hot dog."
Clerk: "We're out of hot dogs."

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This happened a couple of years ago in a local electronics store.


Me: "I am looking to buy a large screen TV, but I have heard that they scratch easily."
Salesman: "Not at all true! Let me show you."
The salesman took a quarter out of his pocket and make a huge scratch in one of the display models.

Salesman: "As you can see, there is no scratch."
Me: "What are you talking about?? Look at that huge scratch right there!"
Salesman: "There's nothing there. Here, let me show you again."
He proceeded to deface two more TVs.

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My girlfriend and I visited together with her friend in an old churchyard from the 1700s. Among the tombstones was one dated around 1725 that had fresh flowers by it.


Our Friend: "I wonder who has been here with the flowers?"
My Girlfriend: (joking) "I guess the widow has been here."
Our Friend: "Yes, I guess you're right. Who else could it have been?"

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The following call came in at 7:30 this morning:


Me: "Hello?"
Some Woman: "Mannie?"
Me: "Ma'am, what number are you trying to reach?"
Some Woman: "Mannie, y'all get up now, cause y'all are goin' to Sunday School, okay, sweetie?"
Me: "Ma'am, I am not your sweetie. You have a wrong number!"
Some Woman: "Okay, sweetie, see you soon!" (click)

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I work as a cashier at a grocery store that was celebrating its grand re-opening. To draw customers, we were mailing out coupons for various free items, such as eggs, soda, chips, etc. The coupon for the chips was very specific: it had to be a 13 1/4 bag of Lays Potato Chips.

One lady was a bit confused. Upon handing me her bag of chips and the corresponding coupon, she said, "The coupon says thirteen and one fourth, but I guess this is close enough, right?" I checked. The net weight of the bag was given as 13.25 ounces. I looked up, certain she was joking.

She wasn't.

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This stupidity was a story my friend told me about his girlfriend at the time. When he told me the story, I didn't believe him, so I asked his girlfriend (who thought the South Pole was hot because it was in the South), and she confirmed the story.

He and his girlfriend were necking in his car when there was a power failure. All the street lights when out, and all the houses around were dark. She said, "Oh no, you won't be able to start your car!" He told her it would start just fine, and then she said, "But your headlights won't work! You won't be able to see where you're going!"

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I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed that I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature on the credit card with the signature I just signed on the receipt. So I signed the credit card in front of her.

She carefully compared that signature to the one I signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they matched.

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I was working in a photo store, which specializes in restoring old photographs, when a lady brought in a old picture of a man sitting behind a cow, milking it.


Her: "Can you fix this picture for me?"
Me: "Sure. What would you like us to do?"
Her: "Can you move the cow?"
Me: "Move the cow?"
Her: "I want to know what my great-grandfather looked like. That's him."
She pointed to the feet sticking out under the cow.


Me: "I don't think we can do that."
Her: "Just move the cow over, and we'll be able to see his face."
Me: "I'm sorry. We don't have the technology to do that."
Her: (getting huffy) "Well, I guess I'll just take this somewhere else."


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In my high school civics class the air conditioner didn't have the vents to direct which way the air would blow for most of the first semester, so everyone who sat in the back of the class would freeze, while the people sitting in the front were always hot. One day, somebody in the back decided to take a stand against the teacher and declare the class to be cold. He stood up and said, "Mrs. Barnes, it's cold in here. We need to turn the air off."

Since this was a class that always had to argue, someone else said "Turn it off?"

The first person, being the exceptionally bright student that he is, retorted, "Yeah, off. O - F."

Then one of our other geniuses decided to pipe up and said, "I would have laughed so hard if you had spelled that wrong."

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I work in the Toy Department at a Walmart, and one day I was asked to do a price check. The cashier explained to me that a customer wanted to buy some puzzles, priced at 4 for $5.00, but they were ringing up at $1.25 a piece. Apparently neither the customer nor the cashier ever made it through sixth grade math.

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I used to work in an art supply store. We sold artists' canvas by the yard, and you could get it in either of two widths: 36 inches or 48 inches.


Customer: "Can you please cut some canvas for me?"

Me: "Certainly, what width?"

Customer: (confused and slightly annoyed) "Scissors?"


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I was pulling into a gas station one day when I saw a woman drive off with the nozzle still in her gas tank. She jerked the nozzle right off the hose. Realizing what she had done, she pulled back in, took the nozzle out of the tank, and put it back on the pump. Then she went inside to straighten things out with the management.

While she was inside, a young man pulled up to the pump. He took the nozzle, with no hose attached, into his tank. He couldn't seem to figure out why he wasn't getting any gas. He even took the nozzle out and repositioned it in the tank a couple times. I thought about pointing out the obvious problem to him but then decided that he'd be embarrassed enough when he figured it out on his own.

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About a year and a half ago I went with a couple of buddies to a hardware store to get some paint for my living room. Since we were buying paint we started talking about various facets of house painting, home renovation, etc. I brought up the fact that I wanted to paint my bedroom camouflage when I was little, but my parents wouldn't let me. The clerk looked at us with a straight face and said, "How would you go about mixing camouflage paint anyway?" I had to walk out of the store very quickly so I wouldn't laugh in the clerk's face.

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In Canada, we have recently begun receiving and using new $10 bills that are harder for counterfeiters to reproduce. I overheard this conversation, between two ladies, on a bus:


Lady #1: "You know the new $10 bills? Do you know how much it costs the government to print them?"
Lady #2: "I don't know. Twenty bucks each?"
Lady #1: "Well, that's what I thought too, but I saw on the news yesterday that they only cost four cents!"
Lady #2: "WHAT?? Four cents! And we pay ten bucks for them? What a rip off!"

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I was at the airport, checking in at the gate, when the airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?"

I said, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?"

He smiled and nodded knowingly, "That's why we ask."

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I work for a cable company. About two years ago a storm caused terrific damage to a neighborhood about three blocks from our office. A customer called to complain that his cable was off. I asked his address. When he gave it to me, I recognized it immediately. I had done a damage survey less than an hour before.

Me: "Sir, isn't this the big yellow two story house on the corner that's divided into apartments?"
Him: "Yes."
Me: "Well, sir, a tree is lying on your roof isn't it?"
Him: "Yes."
Me: "Sir, that tree tore down the power, phone, and cable lines. We'll have to wait until your landlord has the tree removed to fix the cable."
Him: "Listen, I want my service fixed now. I don't care about the tree."

Yeah, that makes sense. Let it rain in the house but don't miss must-see-TV!

Me: "Well, sir, even if the tree was gone, we have to wait for the power company to remove the power lines."
Him: "I don't care about that. I want you to fix my cable now!"
Me: "Sir, even if the cable was working, without power you couldn't turn on the TV."

It was about this time I wondered how he was calling me -- remember, the phone line was down too. He answered the question for me.

Him: "Listen buddy, I've got a generator and a cell phone. I've got to see the game. I don't care how big the hole is in the screen of the set. I can work around that."


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While on a ski trip in Wyoming, I encountered a husband and wife on the slopes who asked me if I would take a picture of them. I said I would be happy to, and I did. Then I asked if they wouldn't mind taking a picture of me.

"Oh...sorry," the man answered, "but we only have two pictures left, and we wanted to take some pictures of the lodge."

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When I brought my mother-in-law home one afternoon, she discovered that she didn't have her key to her second story apartment. I went to the garage, took out the ladder, and climbed up, finding that all the windows were locked. As I stood there on the ladder, deciding whether to break the window or not, she looked up at me and said, "Too bad Mrs. Jones (the owner of the building) isn't here. She has a key to my apartment, and she could go up and open the window for you!"

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Caller: "Can I speak to Mr. [name], please?"
Me: "I'm sorry, Mr. [name] is on vacation."
Caller: "I'll hold."

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When my friend got her driver's license, her sister looked at it and, quite perplexed asked, "'Donor'? What did you doan?" My friend corrected her, "I donated my organs in the event that I die." Her confused response: "Don't you need them?"

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Phone Sales Representative: "Will you be paying by credit card?"
Customer: "Yes."
Phone Sales Representative: "Ok, I need your credit card number and your name as it appears on the card, please."
Customer: "WHAT?!? I'm not giving my credit card to you over the phone! Then your company will have access to it!"
He hung up. Saved me the trouble, actually.

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I used to work in technical support for a 24x7 call center. One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week."

"Is that Eastern or Pacific time?" he asked.

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So my colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria when we overheard one of the administrative assistants talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the shore. She drove down in a convertible but didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving.