Classified Ads

The following are regrettably phrased classified ads that have been placed in newspapers throughout the world....

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◦"Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel."

◦"2 female Boston Terrier puppies, 7 wks old, perfect markings, 555-1234. Leave mess."

◦"Washing machine: free to good home."

◦"Free Yorkshire Terrier. 8 yeards old. Hateful little dog."

◦"German Shepherd 85 lbs. Neutered. Speaks German. Free."

◦"Free ducks. You catch."

◦"Amana washer $100. Owned by clean bachelor who seldom washed."

◦"Snow blower for sale...only used on snowy days."

◦"2 wire mesh butchering gloves: 1 5-finger, 1 3-finger, pair: $15"

◦"Shakespeare's Pizza - Free Chopsticks"

◦"Hummels - largest selection ever. 'If it's in stock, we have it!'"

◦"Georgia peaches, California grown - 89 cents lb."

◦"Tired of working for only $9.75 per hour? We offer profit sharing and flexible hours. Starting
pay: $7 - $9 per hour."

◦"Vacation Special: have your home exterminated."

◦"Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours."

◦"Carpal Tunnel Syndrome - Free Sample!"

◦"Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast."

◦"Save regularly in our bank. You'll never reget it."

◦"This is the model home for your future. It was panned by Better Homes and Gardens."

◦"Wanted. Hunting rifle, suitable for teenagers."

◦"Christmas tag sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person."

◦"Wanted: Hair-cutter. Excellent growth potential."

◦"Wanted: Preparer of food. Must be dependable, like the food business, and be willing to get
hands dirty."

◦"Mother's helper -- peasant working conditions."

◦"Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00."

◦"Government employer looking for candidates. Criminal background required."

◦"His and hers bicycles, $25 each or both for $55."

◦"For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers."

◦"Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too."

◦"We'll move you worldwide throughout the country."

◦"Tattoos done while you wait."

◦"Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children."

◦"Stock up and save. Limit: one."

◦"For Rent: 6-room hated apartment."

◦"Wanted to buy: fishing net, must have no holes."

◦"TO LET: 4 bedroom house close to town. No poets."

◦"This house has been fully insulted."

◦"Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!"

◦"Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink."

◦"Our experienced Mom will care of your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included."

◦"Illiterate? Write today for free help."

◦"Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary."

◦"Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating."

◦"Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale."

◦"And now, the Superstore--unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience."
◦"We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00."